Ok girls, I have the need to rant on this blog entry!! I have had it with incest mothers- I have had it. Fathers, well they are men- I do not expect as much from them. Of course any incest father is a total monster in my view- I have hatred and venum for any one who molests a child, teen, young person- But the mothers!! This past month I have had 5 girls call me and cry to me about their mothers. These girls are not my "clients" not girls that I see in my office for therapy. These are you girls, my bloggers, my Girlthrive girls- We know each other through the internet mostly- some of you have had Girlthrive Inc. Scholarships- we connect - but we may live across the country. I have had 5 of you reach out to me this past week because your f&&%$###ing mothers are driving you crazy. They are "reaching out" and saying how much they need you, miss you.... love you. Come on! Of course they are driving you crazy, because more than anything you want them to actually mean those words. But they DON'T. They want to use you, abuse you, make you feel guilty, make you feel that somehow the incest is your fault. They want you to feel as if maybe if you did not tell everything would have been just dandy. They want you to believe that you have broken up an otherwise functional family. They want you to be sorry for the abuse- Did you hear that, I will say it again. These incest mothers want you to be sorry for the abuse! I have had it with these incest mothers. Let one of them dare to call me, let one of them dare to try to speak to me- I will tell her that you are wonderful daughters, beautiful, bright and precious girls. You are girls that have been beaten down by abuse that you never deserved. I would tell these incest mothers that they had a priviledge to be mothers to girls, they had the honor of having daughters- I would tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves, they should know better. I would tell them that no matter how much abuse they themselves may have suffered through that it is no excuse to let their daughters suffer. I would tell them to leave you all alone, and let you get on with your lives. I would tell them that the mother daughter relationship is such an honor. I would tell them to let you wonderful daughters move on. Find new families, girls you all deserve to be away from the abusive lying mothers that allowed your fathers and your step fathers to abuse you. You deserve love and care and support. I have had it with incest mothers!! xoxox love, dr. p
Monday, March 1
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About "Invisible Girls"
- Dr Patti
- United States
- "Invisible Girls" tells the truth about sexual abuse as no other book has! Rather than me telling you how the book is touching girls around the world, I will tell you what they are saying! Now in 2009 we have our new and revised edition of "Invisible Girls" - we have added 100 pages, a chapter about prostituion as sex abuse, a chapter filled with emails recieved over the past 5 years- Please check out our 2nd edition! xo dr. p "Invisible Girls has saved my life. I was afraid that I was the only girl keeping these secrets, and when I read "Invisible Girls" I starting telling about my abuse, and suddenly I knew I could be alright"- Sue 18 years old "Invisible Girls" is short of a miracle- I read it whenever I feel alone. It helps me to deal and grow and go on."- Tamar 17 years old "Until I read "Invisible Girls" I was afraid to tell what happened to me. Now my mum is supportive and I know I can heal" Britney 14 years old
12 comments:
Dr Patti- Thank you so much for this (fully justified) rant!!!!
I've been living back at my mums house for the last month after being discharged from a 6 month hospital stay, because everyone else thought it was the best option for me, even though I am 23 and have been out of home since I was 19. It's hell being back under the same roof as her, (and back in this house with so many horrible memories) and it's making my eating disorder and depression so much worse, and I'm rapidly spiraling back down to how things were pre-admission, but because I'm not working at the moment I really can't afford anything else, so I'm stuck here.
She knows what happened, as much as she likes to pretend that nothing did. She always invites my brother round for meals etc (which she knows are hard enough for me anyway!!) and I have to sit through it and play happy families, while inside I am dieing a little bit more, and working out how to punish myself as soon as I am out of that situation.
She always does stupid things to me, that I hate and if she had half a brain would know that it is a stupid idea- such as constantly saying "give me a hug"- which either results in me glaring at her, or if I can get out of it, then me standing stiff as a board, with my arms firmly by my side. There is no way in hell she deserves a hug from me. She didn't protect me, and then enabled it to keep happening, she doesn't deserve a place in my life.
Why can mothers like her not acknowledge it?? Or does she honeslty just believe that nothing happened, and that at 11 I could actually make up what I told her?? I'd already been through hell for 3 years, and because of her reaction I had to 'live' (if you could call it that) through it for another 5.
I hate her, but then I feel so, so guilty for that. And I would rather punish and hurt myself, than upset anyone else....
I've never heard someone say that it's a honor to have a daughter. What a beautiful idea. More often boys are valued over girls, sadly seen this in too many families, mine included. Thanks Dr. Patti for supporting us as we reach out to you and friends that bring us into their families.
--Lori Lynn
My mom came to me after a few weeks of me acting weird around her boyfriend and asked me why I didn't want to be alone with him or be around him at all. So I told her what he did and she basically said "well if he does it again let me know" I was 14 when she told me this I started sleeping in jeans and hiding under blankets thinking maybe he won't bother me. She noticed and told me to stop he won't do it again.
She took up for him and not me. She didn't care that what he did hurt and scared me.
Thank you Dr. Patti!!!
Megan, I thought I was reading something I wrote. You articulated everything I wanted to say. I am in a very similar situation and I am so so so sorry that you are dealing with this. Be strong!
Oh girls..... I know how hard this is..... You start to think you are crazy- if your own mother basically says "well tell me again if he doe it again."...... That just makes you feel as if you have no support at all. The fact that you are here on our blog tells me that you have gone forward in spite of your mother- and her insane lack of reaction and support! xox dr. p
I am a mother of 3 children. My son is 9 yrs old and my twin daughters are 4 yrs old. I have empowered my children by supporting their right to privacy concerning their bodies.
Parental advocacy should begin early! This is a valuable tool for both child and parent. It is a practice that could help prevent abuse or help deal with the unspeakable if it should occur. It is much like teaching children about fire prevention and making a family plan in case there is ever an actual fire.
As a mother, it is MY job to protect and keep my children safe. It enrages me to think of mothers who blatently disregard their child's abuse. As I previously mentioned, it is quite like running out of a burning house and leaving your child behind!
-Elexis
thank you dr patti i needed this too! dealing with my mother is so hard, when she tells me she loves me, and shes sorry, yet she has already taken my abuser back, even after he spent 3 1/2 years in jail for what he did to me! it drive me nuts! i love her because she is my mother, but her crap it way more stinkier than i can handle!
my mom just had heart surgery and my whole family is putting me down because i only went to see her once, psh she didnt even deserve that! and when she hugged me as much as i wanted to hug bck and start crying i knew it was fake, a show off to make my family even more upset with me! i want to be done with her, but its so much harder than it is to say!!!!! but im so glad you wrote this blog, it has helped me realize that i dont need her, not now not ever!!!
First of all I can not say it any better than Elexis! Yes it is leaving your children in a burning house and watching them burn. I love it that protective moms are writing to us and supporting all of you fabulous girls! Thank You Elexis! xxx dr. p
And D. - Pleeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzz! Make some peace with the fact that your mother is ill and you have made your visit. All girls need to make peace with the facts that they are good enough daughters-you have tried with your mothers- you have kept secrets so that your mothers would not suffer and that their lives could stay status quo. You have held your secrets so that you would not be turned away and blamed by your mothers. If you have told, it is because of your terror of rejection from your mothers- You have been good enough daughters with very very bad mothers. xdr.p
I have never heard anyone including my own mother fight that hard for me. If she even fought half that hard I might think about forgiving her, might! Thank you Dr. Patti for saying all of that, you made me feel worthy again.
i was 9 when my father n brother abused me and my step mother once said if ur dad ever does anything 2 u u would say so wunt u n i said yes, but the truth is i was scared of her bcoz she wasnt a very nice person and always said nasty things like she hated me or wished i was dead, so when i finally spoke out 2 social workers and then the police she and the rest of the family disowned me and said i was lying. but y would i lie about something like this. im 36 and sorry if im 2 old 4 this site
your comments and stories are so incredible. it's amazing to know that i'm not the only one struggling with loving the parents who let me get hurt, over & over again.
i wrote this in my writing class as a response to the poem "the lanyard" by billy collins. the poem is about how as kids we try to return the love our mothers have shown us by giving them the small trinkets we make: pictures, cards, lanyards. it's a funny, sweet poem, but one i can't identify with. dr. patti encouraged me to share my response here.
"This is a hard time for me to be writing about mothers. I am grappling right now with these conflictions: she, too, gave me life, health, a working body, summers at the ocean, a place to ride my bike down the sidewalk. She nursed me through many injuries, paid for college, loaned me money for my trip to Cuba, co-signed my apartment lease.
And she saved every pointless lanyard, my handprints in plaster and crayon and glitter, doil-trimmed Valentine's Day cards, every misshapen blob of pottery I chucked into the kiln.
But these artifacts of me, that she's collected an preserved like the remains of a dead girl, does their presence in her life equate with mine? And how could a woman with such meticulous maintenance let me fall into such disrepair?
And what of me? Why did I make these trinkets, these symbols of feelings I couldn't understand? Maybe they were just more cries for attention, for protection. 'I love you, see? I made you this Thanksgiving turkey out of popsicle sticks. Now please, please protect me.'"
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