Moving on is about thriving- sometimes there are triggers that are really upsetting- do you have triggers? Tell us how you have conquered your triggers- I talk about a girl in "Invisible Girls" who's father used to abuse her in the tub. It took her some years, but she took over the experience of bathing- she lights candles and plays her favorite music. She has taken over the bathing experience! How have you conquered your triggers!
Thursday, January 21
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About "Invisible Girls"
- Dr Patti
- United States
- "Invisible Girls" tells the truth about sexual abuse as no other book has! Rather than me telling you how the book is touching girls around the world, I will tell you what they are saying! Now in 2009 we have our new and revised edition of "Invisible Girls" - we have added 100 pages, a chapter about prostituion as sex abuse, a chapter filled with emails recieved over the past 5 years- Please check out our 2nd edition! xo dr. p "Invisible Girls has saved my life. I was afraid that I was the only girl keeping these secrets, and when I read "Invisible Girls" I starting telling about my abuse, and suddenly I knew I could be alright"- Sue 18 years old "Invisible Girls" is short of a miracle- I read it whenever I feel alone. It helps me to deal and grow and go on."- Tamar 17 years old "Until I read "Invisible Girls" I was afraid to tell what happened to me. Now my mum is supportive and I know I can heal" Britney 14 years old
28 comments:
yah! a blog entry = ) clearly I have no life. So triggers...and how I try to deal with them. I have a few main triggers. 1. Hearing him cough/wheeze (bad asthma). When this happens I bear down and try to close my ears off...essentially focusing my eardrums to listen to something else, usually my hard pounding on the keys on my computer. 2. Putting tampons in. Havent yet figured out a coping technique for this one. 3. The shower/bathroom (where the first event took place). I look in any hiding places, make sure the door is locked and constantly remind myself that this is not the same bathroom (since we moved to a new house). 4. Knocking/opening doors upstairs in my house. I ground myself by keeping one hand on my back (its like a shield from behind) and then wait a minute before walking into the room (esp bathroom and my room). Lastly, seeing his baby blanket or seeing anyone suck their ring and middle fingers....as he did the first time he touched me. I think I dissociate with this one.
Hope I didnt trigger anyone. Hope you are all having a happy, healthy and safe year thus far!
~Sabelle~
I wouldnt say Ive concered my trigger. But everytime I smell the colone he was wearing I try to think of happy things. Most the time it works to but the other times I freeze up. Its like Im trapped, it those places all over again.
Oh Sabelle, it sounds as if you are still having to deal with your abuser... Yuck- so sorry. I hope you are able to avoid him at all costs. MAKE SURE YOU ARE NEVER ALONE WITH HIM! Ok, of course you still have triggers because you still see him. Okay, lets make sure the bathroom door is safely locked. Let's also make sure that you do focus on your fingers banging out the keys on the computer! Keep coming to our blog, keep looking at "Invisible Girls" - keep writing to us here, and do you have anyone to write to when you get triggered? I know two girls who would be happy to speak with you! Send me an email if you want their contact info. Love xo dr.p
Ok, now for the colone trigger...... Oy vey, so sorry about this- One thing for sure you can not be intimate with anyone who is wearing this colone! If you do fall in love with someone and they wear this, make them change it. Know that you will never have that colone "on you" "on your body"- yes think of happy things- also i do have an idea for you. carry around with you your favorite scent in a small bottle of body oil. As soon as you do smell the colone quickly put some of your favorite scent on your fingers and smell it. xx dr. p
Although I have tried to "moved on" there are many things that still haunt me, flashbacks, nightmares, ahhhh anything that reminds me of him! After 10 years of abuse, there are things I just can't get away from. Sometimes I still feel like he controls me, and when I finally feel like I have control of my life, something seems to remind me of the abuse, and I start all over again. There just seems like no out for me! Im ready and eager to move on I just don't know how, I feel like I make the right steps, therapy, support group, friends, but nothing seems to lead me down the right path! How do I know im doing the right thing?
One of my biggest triggers would have to be the basement... especially if it is an unfinished basement or if there is a playroom in the basement. I was hurt in the basement by my older brother.
Being able to go in the basement now is pretty easy. I think I got over it by hanging up lots of artwork and doing fun things in the basement. I reclaimed the basement in my own way and slowly. Also, I hang out in our basement with my niece and nephew so thats fun.
Other triggers are certain words... some that others would naturally see as triggery and other now. How I handled those was to take them on slowly and sometimes just write the first letter of the word and then I used *'s to replace some of the letters. Slowly I was able to write the word out and then to say it.
Its not easy to overcome a trigger, but it is possible.
I think that triggers activate a different parts of your brain... Te triggers force you to use all your creativity to get past the trigger- You have to think on your feet, you have to recharge the brain in another direction. You know what - this actually is very generating for the brain and increases intelligence- xo dr. p
My triggers I don't think I will ever be able to conquer. My biggest trigger is my son. He is the product of my rape. He is my world and I love him but every time I look at him I see his father. I try really hard not to blame him but it is very hard. Every time I start to think of the stuff that happened. The more that I fear my child the more I love him. I have NEVER told anyone about what happened.
OMG.... Anonymous you have just told us here what happened! Thank you so much for sharing this. You know what .... He is not his father- he does not know his father (right?)
He has your love and care and warmth- you have saved him. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this amazing comment. love and thanks and admiration xo dr. p
I had just sent a message on Facebook that I thought everyone here could benefit from, I know I could. I'm thinking of cutting this out and putting it on my mirror so when I get dressed in the mornings I see it. Hope everyone finds it useful.
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
I am doing that now by coming here.
it seems like it would take a lot of courage and strength to raise that child and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job! i was pregnant by my abuser and was going to keep it, there were people telling me that it would be awful having a child by my abuser, but it wasnt the babys fault, i could imagine how it may look like your abuser but just look at it as something good that came out of the abuse, love that child like nothing else and make sure the cycle doesnt go on! protect him and show him how much you love him. i admire you so much! keep up the good work and make sure you do something good for your self everyday!!! and when you look at your baby dont think of your abuser think of you, think of how much of you is in him! sending you lots of hugs!!
Thank you Danielle that means a lot to me. The little guy is asleep and I got my computer out don't know if I will be able to post for the next day or two because he is in the hospital and I don't know for how long. Thank you Danielle for the hugs I could use them right now. I am really happy that I have found you guys. Thanks so much Dr P for everything. Talk to you guys soon.
Hugs.
Hello, this is my first time to this sight. I just bought invisible girls this monday. I must say it is hard for me to talk about what happened to me because the Trauma is so fresh I re-live it everynight. I was sexually abused by my Stepfather from the time I was 14 until I was 17. He died on the operating table and I feel guilty for being happy about it. I am 36 now and I still feel as though I am still lying in bed with him as he forced me to do things that are still to hard to mention. After he died I thought I could forget about it and move on. I did good for over 18 years. Last summer I had a trigger and the memories started flooding back like a bad hurricane. I can not even have an intimate relationship with my husband. I feel his pain, but everytime I think about doing anything with him I see my Step father. Why can I not just move on? I feel like a failure. I want the nightmares and the pain to just go away. I have opened up to some but they say I just need to let it go. Am I crazy? Am I alone? I do not want to be a victim anymore. I just feel TRAPPED?
Anonymous I totally know your pain. I have just started coming here myself and I have had a little relief. I have asked myself the same questions and have wondered if I was crazy too. I still ask myself that but I am not and neither are you. And girlfriend you are definitely not alone. I have realized with some wise words of a very special person by coming here and talking you are starting the healing process. You are like me, you can't move on because you haven't learned how to deal with it yet and until WE learn how to deal with it, it will constantly be there. You are a strong person to come here (Just like I was told when I came here) I consider all of us survivors sisters. We might not know each other but we are linked through our experiences.
I have to go for now but I hope that this helps a little bit at least. I hope that it shows you that you AREN'T alone.
*HHHHUUUUUGGGSSSSSS*
Thank you Lonely one, It does help to know someone is listening. It is 3:30am my time and I am up because of a Trigger of mine. The nightmares are getting worse. I will not talk about them because I do not want to trigger anyone else that might be reading. I just needed to talk for a while and wake up. To feel connected to things that are really around me.
Dear Anonymous, First of all I want to tell you that personally I do not think it is bad of you to feel relieved that your abuser is dead. He can not longer hurt you anymore. I do not know your history, but if for all these years you were soposto "pretend" that he did nothing to you and you were soposto just be alright with him, it must be an enormous relief for you to know that he is dead. Most girls and women put aside deep inside themselves the acknowledgement that they were incest survivors- There is a book called "Allies In Healing". It is for partners of abuse survivors. Perhaps this is something you will read next and see if it is helpful to your husband. But I would reccomend that you let him have a look at "Invisible Girls " and it may help him to understand you. It is great that you are facing your abuse now. Face it - write about it, blog with us, talk with someone you trust. It is never too late to expell the abuse! xo dr. p
I have been thinking for a long time about whether to post r/t triggers. I am more used to giving help than asking for it; but, after seeing all of the brave posts, reflective comments, and sage advice, I decided I'd finally post about some of my triggers with the hope that I could receive some support.
One of my biggest triggers is medical appointments and procedures. Being touched, feeling out control, and often being in pain as a result of said procedures are all things that trigger flashbacks, nightmares, sleepless nights, anxiety, and ESPECIALLY body memories.
Lately, I've been feeling a little bit like someone "up there" is trying to teach me a life lesson as I've been forced to deal with 2 different surgeries (one in september, one in decemeber), and I found out the other day I'll need to have one in march or april. All of these operations have taken place on private parts of my body which make things that much more difficult.
While I am feeling really anxious and overwhelmed, I am trying to practice self-care. I see a therapist, I take antidepressants, anxiety, and sleep medicine, and I keep very busy with school, an internship, volunteering, and two baby-sitting jobs. I also get massages w/ an amazing massage therapist who is really attuned to my needs.
Unfortunately, despite all of the things I am attempting to do to care for myself, lately, I've been having lots of sleepless nights and, of course, experiencing and trying to overcome my most upsetting trigger - medical appts. and procedures.
I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas or just words of support that might help me relax over the next couple of months and make the next surgery easier to deal with than the last?
My thanks, gratefulness, and appreciation go out to all of you.
Best...
I just had a pap smear earlier this week and it was a HUGE triggor for me. Medical procedures are real tough for me as well, even though this wasn't surgery or anything super tough like yours anonymous. I think for me, it goes back to the first time they had to gather evidence when I was younger...and that doctor was a guy, which made it even more difficult...i just put a blanket over my head and cried...But I had a choice this time and chose a female doctor and she was aware and very patient and made it as easy as possible. Despite all this though, I spent this last week in a depression I could not snap out of. I can't really eat and sometimes I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. This last rape happened last year and it's still so fresh in my head. When I see someone who walks like him or looks like him, I freak out completely in my head. It's like he's everywhere...even in my dreams he's the nightmare. I try to go to a safe place in my head, someplace where no one can hurt me because no one else can reach it.
This is regarding the last two posts - I want you girls to insist on having female doctors, dentists, nurses. You have the right to insist on this. I want all girls who have been abused to ask for female doctors. As a feminist I always insist on women practitioners, and I always have insisted on female doctors for my daughter. I find it appalling that a male doctor was the one to gather evidence for you. Look there are plenty of male doctors who are sensitive and kind, but you have the right to not want male dr's . I think it is great that one of you did request a woman dr. and then you were able to have a woman take care of you.
I know that there will be some body triggers, I talk about that quite a bit in "Invisible Girls" and some of the girls also talk about it in their stories. They will fade, they will go away. This is where i really think that alterior worlds go a long way. These are the places that have saved you in the past and I see it as a strength to be able to go to those safe places in order to get through the body memories and trauma. Remember that these are wonderful strong coping mechanisms that kept you sane and safe. Do what ever you need to to get through the medical appointments. Bring a friend, or schedule something fun to do for the rest of the day. Write to us here! xoxo dr. p
I have to agree with the gyno appointments and triggors that they bring.. I had a female Dr. and I told her about my past, the first year she decided to bypass the whole thing because I wasn't sexually active and she didn't cause memories to come back. I was okay with this at first because I didn't want to go to the appnt. But at the same time I was 19 and my normal Dr. wanted me to go. So at 20 I was to go back and she did the exam but didn't walk me through it, didn't say what was next, and to me seemed rough and fast.
Needless to say the rest of that day I was a utter mess, and cried and got angry... and wasn't really back to myself for a few days.
Im 21 in 2 days and have to go back in april.. Maybe I will look for a different dr.
SO I agree with you other girls.. this is a tough one.
I really don't know how to overcome this.. so if anyone can leave some suggestions I would greatly appreciate it!
Ok Gals here is your script: You call up to make the appointment-
"i would like to make an appointment for my pap exam. Please make my appointment with ONLY a female Dr. "
When you meet the Dr. and if she does not have you sit in her office before the exam and you are just sent to the exam room- first of all, you can keep your socks on - sometimes that helps because you are not completely naked- when the Dr. arrives in the exam room, you are sitting on the table - DO NOT LAY DOWN YET. You tell her "I have been through a trauma- I will need you to be very gentle in this exam please" If she is hurting you you need to say "PLEASE STOP THIS HURTS"- Some Dr's are idiots, even women. You need to take charge of the exam- Please girls, all of you, try this. DO NOT GO TO A MALE GYN WHEN YOU ARE VERY YOUNG- MAYBE IN THE FUTURE- BUT NOT YET. xo dr. p
agree with dr patti! i had trouble with this at first, but i tried a ton of things to distract myself and it always seems to help, lately i have had to go to the docs a lot and even if it seems weird i have my phone and while she is doing the exam i play a game or text someone and that seems to distract me enough, i do leave my socks on and my doctor used to guide me through it but now she knows what part of the exam is worse for me and she touches my foot, as weird as that my seem , it just reassures me that its ok. i hope this helps, its what you are comfortable with, only you know!
This is my first post here. I wanted to say that personally Dr. P you're amazing. I never thought I would live to know another person on earth who understands so much of what it's like being a survivor.
The fact that I can say survivor now without lying is amazing. My abuser of nearly seventeen years is now in jail serving three life sentences and 135 years. Even though I just went through an eighteen month trial of absolute hell and he can't get out of prison I still have triggers that can kill my day.
The major one is the smell of body odor. If I happen across the smell it nearly paralyses me with fear. And the first time I was with a guy sexually (before I told anyone about the abuse) all I could see was my grandfathers face. It really freaked me out. I ended up just blanking out like I did as a kid. The guy I was with was understanding after he found out what the problem was, but it never worked out. That was almost three years ago and the fact that I may never be able to have a family of my own frightens me the most.
wow....midnightrose1988...
im sure that took a lot of courage, i hated the court process too, however it went pretty fast for me and he only got 3 1/2 years and is now out. smell is still a huge thing for me and on March 22nd it will be 4 years since i told. it takes time thats for sure! i agree that dr patti is increadable! she truly does understand! gotta love her :) girl if you ever need to chat, dr patti has my email just email her and im sure she would gladly give it to you :)
Thanks for that Danielle. It did take a lot to do the court process. Honestly I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Basically it went one day I told my best friend and cousin. Then next day my parents and then I was sitting in a police station with detectives and everything. Now looking back I sometimes wonder how I did it those first few days. My parents really didn't give me a choice as to if I wanted to press charges. All I wanted was for my little cousin to be kept away from him.
I'm sorry he only got 3 1/2 years. I guess I got lucky with the sentence my step- grandfather got. I'm not sure how I'd handle him getting out of prison.
I'd love to chat but my computer won't let me email Dr. Patti. When I click the link it brings up some funny message from a mail program I don't use. If anyone nows Mac's I'd love to figure out how to email her without getting the message. Thanks...
My email address is drpatti@girlthrive.com
Girls you are all so amazing - You come through the unspeakable and you speak about it! And then the two of you actually went to court!!! wow xx dr. p
It sometimes feels like everything is a trigger, I gave my whole life over to the one who abused me, they seemed to be in every part of my life, in every pore of my skin and it just feels like he is constantly there in my head. The worst thing is the joy of life that it stole from me, every time i listened to music, or watched a film, or even drinking a up of coffee was a trigger. i just want this evil out of my head so i can move on. Im so glad i found this forum it is a little blessing
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