So many girls write to me and tell me that they feel 'stupid' or 'weak' that they did not stop their abusers. They look back and they think they could have stopped their brother, father, date.... but it is clear that there are reasons that girls do not stop their abusers- I begin "Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse " talking about just this. Here are some of the points I make in the book. :
Why didn't you stop him- you lived under his roof, you were living in a web of fear and confusion, you were young, you didn't have good options, or a strong support system- Why didn't you stop him- We live in a culture where boys will be boys- a culture that pushes the sexist belief that young girls are ready for sex when their bodies start to develop, where a male dominated government decides the laws about rape and incest, pornography, child and spousal abuse and abortion - You didn't stop him because you couldn't.
I want you girls to try to begin to forgive yourselves. It is clear to me, that you were trapped and abused and you did not see the way out. If you have found a way out now, applaud yourselves! If you are finding a way out- reach out to us- we understand. xoxo dr. patti
Thursday, June 4
You Couldn't Stop Him
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I could have got out.
I could have tugged on someones sleeve.
I was in a room full of people.
The arm across my neck was enough to paralyze me.
A room full of people.
And I didn't reach out to any of them.
Still I cannot help feel that I COULD have stopped him. When my brother moved back home from being in the USAF he asked me if I would still have sex with him. I finally said NO. Why could I then? Why couldn't I before he left? My brother sexually abused me for 5 years! It stopped only when he left to join for the USAF and if I hadn't been able to say NO I do not know when I would have been able to say NO.
Your comments so far are the exact reason I posted this - and why I start my book with this. Girls it is not your fault! You are speaking out now. You have stopped your abuse now. And NOW is the time to forgive yourselves!! Believe me, if you really felt that there would be someone there who would scoop you up, clear it all up for you, support you, protect you, help you- you would have told- You are telling now! The first poem talks about an arm around a neck and feeling paralyzed. Well..... good reasons not to scream out. When you are paralyzed you can not scream out. And Angela you were a small child and you loved and trusted your brother. Of course you girls were not able at the time to stop the abuse, but it is stopped now and your mantras can be that you will never be abused again! xoxo dr. p
I think I deserve to be hurt. 5 years have passed and i moved away from my dad and the place where i was raped and now no one hits or rapes me any more but i hate everything i am and i feel more alone then ever
I know exactly how you feel! I feel hurt and depressed ALL THE TIME! I try to keep myself busy and have my mind somewhere else. It has been 4 years since I was last abused by incest. My brother was finally kicked out once I told my parents. And that was only about a month and a half ago! I don't know why I was able to stay under the same roof for such a damn longggg time!!! I hate him, but he was my brother....but still he hurt me in ways that like NO ONE can even imagine! I think it is good that you, anonymous, got away from the place you were hurt. I sometimes wish I could move out my house. So many bad memories happened there and sometimes things around my house trigger these memories. Sometimes I just wanna leave, move away. But I've lived there almost my entire life! It's hard. I wanna move, but I don't wanna move. My therapist gave me that idea a little bit ago (I've only been in therapy a little over a month now.). My parents are willing, but I can't feel like asking them would be too much of something to ask. I just don't know. I hate this so much!
<3, Ang
I understand this struggle. But I also know there are girls out there who have ended this intensity of their struggles. I hope more write about how they got through it. Girls you are beautiful, strong and resilient to have gone through what you have and come out the other side!!! Please keep faith that you will thrive. xx dr. p
I know it sounds crazy but sometimes i feel that the people that hurt me are the ones that care about me the most
I have heard this before because the person that hurt you is the same one who probably told you how special you are to him. The people that hurt you the most could have been the same people that paid attention to you. Whoever wrote this i am guessing you do not have a close - loving - supportive - unconditional relationship with one of your parents. Hurting is not loving. Violating is not loving. Forcing someone into sexual connections is not loving. It is selfish selfish selfish. Selfish is not loving. xx dr. p
Thank you so much Dr Patti you are the only person that i can trust.
I am not sure if the last comment from June 14th is from the gal who wrote about trusting the people that hurt her... But if it is- yes you can trust me, and I beleive you can trust the girls that are writing on the blog. We are all here to support each other. I want you to think about others in your life that you have trusted and it worked out. There probably were teachers, friends - maybe not a lot, because I am guessing that your abuser made you beleive that he was the only one who you could trust. Most importantly trust yourself- You are clearly trying to put the pieces together. You were brave enough to be totally honest here on the site- Stay in touch and please make a list of the ones in your life that you have trusted and they did not betray you. xox dr. p
thank you and i am going to trust you and the girls on this site with my name, it is Diane
I constantly feel like I could have stopped him. He was only four years older than me, it's not like he was a fully grown man over powering me. I should have been able to stop him. Sure, as the years went on he was that fully grown man, but I should have been able to stop him long before then, I should never have let it get to that stage. When I was physically strong enough to maybe stand some sort of chance agaisnt him, I felt so trapped and powerless to do anything. I had learnt that putting up a fight just made it all worse. It was easier to just let him do what he had to do and switch off in my head and get it over with. Because no matter who much I kicked and screamed and punched etc, no one ever helped me, it never made him stop, it just made the whole thing drag on for longer, and made me feel so much worse. It was easier jsut to become numb. And the fact that it did go on so long, it constantly plays round in my head that I must have wanted it, because I SHOULD have been able to stop it, but I didn't. Who stays in that situation for 7 years!?!? There is not a day that goes by that I hate myself for it. I feel like I have a massive "FREAK" tatooed on my forehead, and that everyone knows what I did and how disgusting I really am.
Hey Megs, did you know you have a Freudian slip in your comment! You say "There is not a day that goes by that I hate myself for it." I am a shrink so of course I have to put some value to your sentance. I think there is a big part of you that does not hate yourself. That is the part that sometimes laughs at something funny said by a friend- or seen on TV- That is the part that gets invovled in sports or music or writing a paper for school. That is the part that enjoys seeing little puppy dogs.... Get my point- You can not hate yourself all the time, even though you think you do. And yes sexual abuse can go on for many years. And of course you had your reasons for not stopping it. You did not feel you could! Now it does sound as if it is over- You need to tell yourself that he wanted it, he started it, he was four years older than you, and he became a man as the years went on. You were not getting the love you needed from other places, like your family of origin - Please keep your anger at the person who molested you and sucked you into his demented world- let go of this anger toward yourself!! xoxox dr. p
PS to Megs- Please really read Erika's amazing comments! xdr. p
I wanted to say thank you so so much Erika i have read your post like 7 or 8 times already and i will read it many more time, it really touched me. I thought that maybe i could never know or really feel what love is but i feel it in your words. You don't know how much this means to me it means the world and i just want to say thank you for caring.
Also i want you to know that it breaks my heart that someone would hurt you and i am so sorry that you had to feel this. I think i am ready to talk about what happened but i have not found anyone that i trust other then the people on this site. I have a friend i thought i would tell but i told her one of my other secrets (that i cut myself) and she said that she understood but then never called me or wanted to talk to me so i sort of can't find anyone to tell. If i find someone i can tell i will.
I thought i would share one of my favorite quotes with you "You know whoever hurt you dies every time they look in the mirror. That is how they pay. And one day you will die too, but there's no reason for you to die everyday"
Anyway thank yous again Erika and Dr.Patti
Love,
Diane
wow, ok this is something that took me a few years to get through. because my abuse lasted for 10 years and i had plenty of chances to tell i constently blamed my self for it, i would replay situations in my head and think of ways that i could have handled it better. but nothing would have changed and i see that now, as we are going through the abuse we dont think about what we could do we are so lost in the moments that everything in our body goes numb.
no child deserves to be hurt no matter what age you are just like Erika said DON'T BLAME YOURSELF - it was the abusers fault not yours. i agree %100!! and i could not have explained it any better than Erika who i would have to say is a very strong and wounderful young lady!
diane just always remember that you are most important in your life and although this person hurt you dearly he does not own you! i am so glad to hear that you are away from him! but just always realize your worth in this world and how some day you can take this aweful experiance and turn it into something that may change other young womens lives.
i will honestly say that young women like you Diane who begian to reach out are stronger than the women who have never been through abuse. it is a tough thing to do, i lost a lot of family over it but i wouldnt go back and change a thing, since i have told i met some amazing people and a few is Dr. Patti, and Erika and many many more! dont be afraid to tell because you dont have anyone becuase we are all here for you! in any kind of way! each time i tell my story it makes me stronger and yes everytime i tell it i get weak but thats how i am able to work with young women who have been sexually abused, and i wouldnt give it up for anything!
just always have faith in yourself Diane and know that you are strong and beautiful! if you get anything out of this i hope it is that once you tell we are here for you! i am even open to you emailing me if that is something that you think may help!
sending lots of hugs!
Danielle
I can totally relate here. I really feel that I could have stopped the abuse. It was my brother. He's 7 years older. As I got older, I feel like I could have stopped him, but I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. I was scared. Numb. Still am. I am finally dealing with this now. Finally. I hate this. And I hate that this has happened to soooo many people. It isn't right.
Is it true that if you have a disability you are more likely to be raped and if it is true do learning disabilities count?
thanks so much,
Diane
I've played the abuse over and over in my head looking for the time where I could have said stop, where I could have changed it all. I have concluded that no such opportunity ever presented itself. But I still feel like it was my fault, I still feel like I should have spoken up and saved myself.
I think with a disability, you are easier to be taken advantage of. I don't know about learning disabilities though.... Actually my abuser has learning disabilities...
And to veronica, if no opportunity was even open to you, it wasn't your fault. If you did not want the abuse, it wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself. In my situation, I really feel like their were opportunities to stop it. I never wanted it, and I have just begun to accept the fact that it wasn't my fault. Idk....I guess we all feel blame. I know I do. All the time.
Girls sexual abuse is NEVER the fault of the survivor! NEVER! Just think about the words you are using even when you are blaming yourself. You are blaming yourself for not STOPPING the abuse. so right there it is clear you are not the abuser, you are the abused. You did not ask to be abused, you did not ask to be sexualized. I know it takes a while to stop blaming yourselves, but you will! And as far as disabilities.... Unless you are mentally disabled - blind - or somehow other impaired where someone could really take advantage of your disability- but certainly not for learning disabilities. Sexual abuse can continue when you do not believe there is a close adult that will save you .... Please forgive yourselves and know that in time you will. xlove xx dr. p
Angela,
Thanks for your comment and advice.
Now, obviously I don't know you but I feel like you not speaking out against your abuse was a way to keep you safe. You know what I mean? Like, your brain was in survival mode, and it was going to tell your body to do anything and everything to stay safe. This does not include trying to stop your abuser. I hope you don't blame yourself for this. With as little as I know about your situation, it's clear to me that it was not your fault. I hope you feel the same one day.
Love,
Veronica
Veronica,
You're welcome. And yeah I suppose it was my survival mode. My situation was incest. My brother sexually abused me. I was scared and confused. Unfortunately, I do blame myself. I try not to, I am trying to convince myself that it isn't but sometimes I just cannot help it. I hope I feel like it was all my brother's fault and that it wasn't my fault....that'll be a good day. But till then I guess I shall continue struggling. Though I really hope you can stop blaming yourself too. If you ever wanna email me, just let me know. Till then I'm not gonna put my email up on the blog.
But let me know. I would love to help in anyway I can.
♥Angela♥
Diane,
Just wanted to let you know that I will talk to you if you want/ or just need a friend.. a shoulder to listen.
~Erika
Erika,
I would love to talk to you!!! MY AIM screen name is kdsilver888 and my Email is kdiane8888@gmail.com
Love,
Diane
Hi. I would just like everyone to know that if you ever wanna talk and have someone who can relate and hopefully help, email me at hobbitgirl@gmail.com or you can instant message me at hobbitgirl1919. Sometimes I think it is nice to have someone to talk to. And it's nice to have to someone to talk to for me too lol. Well hope to talk to someone soon lol!
♥Ang♥
Hey everyone,
As with Angela, I just want everyone to know that I'm available also if you ever need to talk. My email is thepinknightmare27@yahoo.com or you can message me (via aim) at noniboni2007. I would love to hear from anyone at anytime over anything :)
Veronica
Hi Gals! I am really thrilled that you are all reaching out to each other. !! But.... I am also very protective of your privacy- I don't think it is a good idea to post your emails here. Just in case there is someone who is looking at this blog who is not safe. So, perhaps you can erase your emails from your comments. You can personally email me and tell me who you would like to send your email address to. Let me protect you as much as i can. love xoxox dr. p
you are so right i am so so sorry can you help me erase my email and stuff i don't know how. thanks
love,
Diane
Yeah how do you erase comments?
I woke up one day in my thirties, & it hit me like a TON of bricks! I realized what my abuser did to me was WRONG!!! Now that I'm an adult, I can see her crafty acts, & how she used them to lure me in. Just like a lion seeking to devour someone..& that someone was ME!!! Shame on her for preying on an innocent young teen! From time to time I look back & see, the young teen hiding inside of me. "It's not ur fault," I say to her.
i wasraped by my fATHER WHEN IWAS 14 AND IM STILL FEELING GUILTY about the stuff that went in in the house. it seems to me like im sacred beacause my therpist teels me towrite things down to helpme get over the abuse that hapened to me. i dont know why i am always so negative to myself.
I still feel like I could have stopped him. It's been so long since I buried it and now it's all coming back to me..I remember the feeling of shock, the pain, everything. And I then I wonder why I didn't just get up. He wasn't even looking at me when it happened. He was watching television. And then I feel stupid for not getting up because of how obvious it is to me now, four years later. It's a cycle of thought. I run through this track full of emotions and thoughts and always end up back at the same place.
Sarah, I feel exactly the same way. I feel incredibly stupid sometimes for letting all the abuse happen. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. And I don't remember if my abuser, which was my brother, ever looked at me. That's got me thinking now. I think he did but not too often I don't know. I hate it. I too buried it away for actually 4 years. The abuse stopped when I was 12 and now I am 16. I just didn't think about it, I made myself forget. It just all came rushing back and me and I just was a wreck. It just came back to haunt me. It just like overwhelmed me so much. this is was super recent too. I am still having a bunch of issues with dealing with it. I am a mess....have been for months. I still have a ton of guilt and hate and regret and so on and so on.
Girls of course it does take a while to get beyond the abuse. But the fact that you are so young and able to talk about it now is one way you are getting beyond it. It was not your fault. You will move through your lives and you will be beyond that past and so smart with your relationships - you know now what you deserve, and that is love, and care and respect. Be patient with yourselves! Give yourselves time. I promise you will thrive!xx dr. p
I am 16 now, too. And it happened when I was 12 or 13..the time frame for me is a little muddled but everything else is crystal clear. I am so ready for this to be gone. But it could just be my impatience with the pain and discomfort. It was so long ago, and I thought that since I said I had just nodded and forgiven him when he apologized that it was solved. But now that I know just how wrong it was, and just how violated I was, that it takes more of a stronghold in my mind. I wonder if he even remembers?
For me the abuse happened from the ages of like 7 till I was about 11 or 12. So about 4 years in my own home I was abused. The same I am not sure when it really started but I can kinda do a good estimation. With the abuse, I too have become really impatient about not just the pain and the abuse but like most things I just cannot help it. My brother next apologized. I am currently working with the court and hoping that now he will know now that what he did was so wrong because it really was. I have yet to forgive that is IF I forgive him. For years I wondered the exact same thing. Now in a way I have forced him to remember and stuff. I don't know. My feelings are just torn in sooo many differet ways!
Wow..I can relate, but only so much. I am sure that when it does come time to confront my uncle, things will be very awkward. I am afraid of what will happen when I do. But I do know this much: my perspective - that it would just go away - was very wrong. It's painful and embarrassing to admit. I talked to my aunt the other night, just to catch up, not to really introduce this topic. The second I heard her voice I felt like my heart was going to rip open and expose everything. I almost did. Luckily she was busy and had to go. It's getting harder and harder to understand what is going on inside. I don't really know what to do with all of it.
I actually meant never apologized not next lol. Yeah it is painful. I cannot believe that for years I just simply forgot about all the abuse....no more. I finally am getting help. I finally talked to my other brother who like forced me to tell my parents. I am glad I did as hard as it was. I am in therapy. It is helping. You may wanna consider it, but there's no rush to healing.
I have considered that..frankly I don't know how I would even begin to explain it. I am happy for you, though, Angela. That you were able to finally talk about it. I have repeated conversations about it in my head at least a thousand times, but it's never as accurate as the real thing. It's supposed to come when I'm ready, I guess. Haha I just don't know when that will be!
Same with me. I had practically given up the idea that I would EVER tell, but I finally broke down and kinda confessed it to my brother. He then made me tell my parents a few days later. It definitely wasn't fun. It was scary and not at all how I really expected it to go. But I guess in a way it went better than I thought.
I have felt like breaking down several times, but it never comes out. Considering all of the rational advice I have received, you'd think I wouldn't have any problem saying it, right? Wrong..I guess sometimes I wish someone would force it out of me or not believe me when I say I'm fine. But it doesn't work that way. I have confided in some friends about it, but they're not really in the position to help, other than to listen. The only person I care about telling is my aunt. I just don't want something bad to happen to them, or us, as a whole. In a way, it already has.
Yeah I can see what you mean. Your feelings were my feelings like exactly a few months ago. I had confided in a few friends, but only one told me that I should tell. He was the one who finally told me to tell my brother. And I did. Then my brother forced it out of me. And I know what you mean. I did and still say I'm fine when I am really not. It's just hard. And the consequences are gonna be rough, but it is indeed the best thing to do. Trust me.
It's comforting to know that. There is just SO much stuff in my head right now, I am trying to figure out what is what. I want to be able to know that I can start the conversation and finish it..that might not be possible, but I'm hoping. There are times where I'm aching to tell her and then the second I am ready I just lose it..I don't want to keep chickening out. And I need to get him out of my head; it's not helping. It's only making it worse. But I trust you.
Hi Girls, I can see that you are having an amazing conversation here. I just want to put it out there that every girl has her reasons for not "telling". By "telling" I mean telling the people that are invovled in the abuse. In Sarah's case it is her family, and the family of her uncle. I am guessing that she has her reasons - sometimes it is better for a girl to not loose the one support she has. In Sarah's case she could loose her aunt that she loves so much. so this blog is the perfect way to start to tell your feelings around the abuse, your worries about telling or not telling. There really is no right or wrong in confronting the abuser- the only right is to know that the abuse IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Tell those who you trust, you trust each other on this blog, you know that I am here too blogging, watching over all of you. You are all so brave and beautiful! Just by blogging you are TELLING loud and strong. I am proud of all of you! xx dr. p
Dr. Patti is right. My aunt is the only person that I could turn to for support. The rest of my family wouldn't understand. That's what makes it so painful, because I want to confide in her, but the secret is so HUGE that it could send her away. Or keep me from going back.
yeah I know exactly what you mean. It is your choice, but you gotta heal. I have started and I am feeling quite a bit better about all the abuse. And yeah it is nice knowing that you aren't the only one who has been abused. In a weird, horrible way it is comforting. Knowing that others have survived and that it is possible to go on living. That is one of the main things that keeps me going. I hope you are able to heal, Sarah. I know you are scared. I was scared too. I actually didn't tell my parents. I couldn't. My brother who I had told was the one who told my parents that my brother had sexually abused me. it was the worst moment in my life. It was horrible and I am glad that I never have to do it again. The worst is over. But I was scared, scared out of my mind. I was nervous that they wouldn't believe me. I was scared that my family would be separated forever. In a way my worst came true, but it was for the best. My brother was kicked out of the house and out of my life. Though the rest of my family is still in contact with him. We are currently waiting for court actually. Dr. Patti I agree with you. And thanks! I do trust the people here. :)
I definitely want to heal from this. It's too damaging as it is, just a vivid memory and recurring nightmares. I get all worked up and ready to tell but then feel like I'm going to throw up when it's time to open my mouth. I am TERRIFIED, I'll admit it.
It will just take time, I guess. This blog has given me a place to write and talk about things I haven't even said aloud. I love it. Virginia is where I planned on going to school, and where I lived with my aunt and uncle. The only reason I want to go back there is for her and for my Ph.D. But it's weird, because he's there, too. I just need a book or an ear where I can just spill everything and then organize it. That's how my mind works. But until now I haven't had that.
We should talk more often, Angela! :)
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