It is time for you wonderful gals to give me some ideas on subjects you would like to talk about. Please send ideas for what we should blog about next. I am excited to hear from you! xo dr. p
Wednesday, June 24
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About "Invisible Girls"
- Dr Patti
- United States
- "Invisible Girls" tells the truth about sexual abuse as no other book has! Rather than me telling you how the book is touching girls around the world, I will tell you what they are saying! Now in 2009 we have our new and revised edition of "Invisible Girls" - we have added 100 pages, a chapter about prostituion as sex abuse, a chapter filled with emails recieved over the past 5 years- Please check out our 2nd edition! xo dr. p "Invisible Girls has saved my life. I was afraid that I was the only girl keeping these secrets, and when I read "Invisible Girls" I starting telling about my abuse, and suddenly I knew I could be alright"- Sue 18 years old "Invisible Girls" is short of a miracle- I read it whenever I feel alone. It helps me to deal and grow and go on."- Tamar 17 years old "Until I read "Invisible Girls" I was afraid to tell what happened to me. Now my mum is supportive and I know I can heal" Britney 14 years old
91 comments:
This might be stupid but i was wondering if being raped has changed anyone? Made you more aware of the people around you, more compassionate, stronger, thing thik that.
love,
Diane
Diane,
Having experienced sexual abuse has made me more compassionate towards other survivors, but it's also made me very, very, very cautious around men. It's changed me in a lot of ways, probably to many to list here lol. Email me if you want to talk about it further, I'm happy to talk to you. :) thepinknightmare27@yahoo.com
Dr Patti,
Can we talk about intimacy after sexual abuse? I'm one of the ones that's totally and completely terrified of it. I've pretty much convinced myself I'm going to have to have test-tube babies or adopt or something and that I'll never get married.
Love,
Veronica
How about Finding God?
Learning to trust men. I've been abused by family and raped by boy, and assaulted by a so called 'friend.' 3 guys in one year. I steer clear of male people, but want to have a Bf. What do I do?
My abuse has changed me. I am much more aware of my surroundings and I try to reach to anyone if possible. In fact a lot my friends confide in me with any issues they may be having.
Concerning intimacy.... Well I am definitely much more hesitant and I don't trust very easily anymore. Though I made a mistake recently. I got intimate with my now ex-boyfriend. I trusted him and thought I loved him. But he continued to pressure me for sex and he knew I was sexually abused. in fact so was he! Or at least he told me he was, but I do believe him there. I had sex with him, but it wasn't great like everyone says it would be. I felt kinda numb during it and I kinda faked like the pleasure I guess you could say. We continued to have sex for over a month until we broke up. I never really put myself really into it. I was scared and I knew he would understand. Or at least so I thought. But I hated how sometimes he would tease me about things. I have grown very self-conscious and I am trying to convince myself to wait to have sex when I am ready and I am dealing with the abuse much better. I'm even hoping that I may wait till marriage. I was nowhere near ready to have sex. I am only 16. Sex scared me. I'm not saying I hated it, but I just don't know. I just wasn't able to emotionally handle it. I regret it.
This could help me.. The topic of feeling ashamed. Ashamed to tell people/friends/relatives about the abuse. I know it wasn't my fault, but I am ashamed to admit it.
~Erika
I am terrified that when i do have sex that i will have a flashback!! Does that happen? do people have flashbacks about there rape when they have sex?
You should address the fact that there are women abusers out there as well. They have a tendency to prey on young vulnerable girls, and boys.
I like Erika's idea of dealing with the shame, that's hard for me to.
How to talk about it.
I've never told anyone, I'd like to know how to.
When I had sex, I very scared of having a flashback. So was my boyfriend. But thank god I didn't. I wasn't raped, but I was sexually abused by my brother all the way to intercourse. Instead of having a flashback though I did what I used to do- I went numb. I mean I could steal feel things, but if it hurt, I didn't notice. I was actually glad when it was over. I fully regret it. I am ashamed too of my abuse. I can admit it now once in a while, but I am ashamed that I believe it is partly my fault and I don't like admitting that part. I am also ashamed that I had sex. I don't like admitting that either. Cause people always ask "how was it?" or something and I'm like...."fine, felt good," but I really don't know too well. I wasn't ready, but I don't want to tell the world or anything. I don't know. I hate this.
How I talked about it, I went to my brother who i trusted and knew nothing of the abuse. I went to talk to him just to see if he had ever suspected the incest, but then for some reason it just all came spilling out. He really helped me and he helped me tell my parents. Finally it is out in the open and I am getting help and going to court.
Veronica said: Dr Patti,
Can we talk about intimacy after sexual abuse? I'm one of the ones that's totally and completely terrified of it. I've pretty much convinced myself I'm going to have to have test-tube babies or adopt or something and that I'll never get married.
Love,
Veronica
Okay Gals, Yes we can talk about intimacy. Veronicas comments are quite common. Of course she is terfified of a sexual relationship. That makes total sense. But I promise you those feelings do not have to last forever. I think it is really important to respect yourself and your feelings. If you are afraid of a physical intimate relationship then respect that. Give yourself time and patience. Sometimes it helps to go for a massage with a female massage therapist who is reccomended by a friend. It can also help to be affectionate with trusted friends and relatives. If you do enter a close relationship with a guy or gal (however you are more comfortable with your sexuality -gay, straight, bi) take it slow. Tell the partner you are not at all ready for sex. If he/she does not respect that- move on. It will take time, and also a special person. I can tell you I know hundreds of gals who were terrified of a sexual relationship. One of them emails me pics of her beautiful children and she and her husband. She is doing great- as are many other women. Try not to worry about it, and give yourself time and space. xx dr. p
Veronica said: Dr Patti,
Can we talk about intimacy after sexual abuse? I'm one of the ones that's totally and completely terrified of it. I've pretty much convinced myself I'm going to have to have test-tube babies or adopt or something and that I'll never get married.
Love,
Veronica
Okay Gals, Yes we can talk about intimacy. Veronicas comments are quite common. Of course she is terfified of a sexual relationship. That makes total sense. But I promise you those feelings do not have to last forever. I think it is really important to respect yourself and your feelings. If you are afraid of a physical intimate relationship then respect that. Give yourself time and patience. Sometimes it helps to go for a massage with a female massage therapist who is reccomended by a friend. It can also help to be affectionate with trusted friends and relatives. If you do enter a close relationship with a guy or gal (however you are more comfortable with your sexuality -gay, straight, bi) take it slow. Tell the partner you are not at all ready for sex. If he/she does not respect that- move on. It will take time, and also a special person. I can tell you I know hundreds of gals who were terrified of a sexual relationship. One of them emails me pics of her beautiful children and she and her husband. She is doing great- as are many other women. Try not to worry about it, and give yourself time and space. xx dr. p
Thanks Dr Patti, that helps :)
How do you build up your self esteem and believe that you are worth something/agood person, when your abuser has spent so long eroding it and convincing you of the opposite?
I feel the same way. I know it wasn't my fault, but I am still having some issuses really believing that. My self-esteem is pretty shaky as well.
I know exactly how you guys feel. On a cognitive level, I can process and understand that what happened is not my fault, and that I couldn't have stopped it. But emotionally and in my heart, I feel like it was all my fault and there must be something wrong with me for this to have happened. I don't know how to bridge the gap between understanding it logically and truly feeling it emotionally.
Feeling ashamed: It is so common for sexual abuse survivors to feel shame- that is the point. The abuser makes you feel shame, he instills shame- this is part of his job with you; to make you feel such shame that you won't tell! Part of the shame comes from the secret- the secret is so strong that it grows shame- of course if it soposto be a secret, that must be because it is shameful for anyone to know. shame is what the abuser continues to instill in you. As you talk more about what happened- you let go of the secret, you learn that others are not ashamed of you. You will get it soon... 'you have nothing to be ashamed of'. You did not ask to be abused. THE ABUSER NEEDS TO BE ASHAMED- SHAME ON HIM. SHAME ON HIM. xx dr. p
OK, as far as women abusers.... Yes there are women abusers- The women who abuse are usually schizophrenic- drug addicted, alcohalic, or abuse with the abusing man- men who abuse are not nessasarily drug or alcohal addicted, they are not often schizophrenic. The men who abuse are often just psycopaths- they do not have a conscience. Iknow that some girls have moms who have abused them, I also know about some babysitters abusing kids. In my practice I had a client who had several women abuse her in ritual abuse with many men as well. She was an infant.... Yes women abuse but it is a different and more complicated abuse. I would venture to say that if a girl is suffering incest at the hands of her mother, she could be even more devestated than if her father molested her. But the facts are that MOST of abuse is male on female. I am so sorry if anyone on this blog was abused by a woman and I have not covered that. x x drp
About self esteem. Try to think about it this way... every time you feel no or low self esteem you are putting energy into saying that your abuser was right, that all you were good for was his abuse. Try to kick those feelings in the butt. Literally try to run, kick box, dance out this anger torward your abuser. You are writing on this blog, you are reaching out, you get A+ from me. Find some things you are successful at, that will build your self esteem! xx dr p
Is it true that if you where abused that you are more likely to abuse someone? If it is true then how can you stop the cyclical of abuse? One thing comes to mind but i would not wish it on anyone but myself. Because i would rather die then do this to someone.
All my love,
Diane
oK, Let's get one thing straight. Just because you were abused does not mean you will abuse. I am talking now about girls. I am not an expert with boys who have been abused. I do know that many times boys who have been abused may then abuse. The experts in this say this is because a male relates to the abuser more than he relates to the victim. A girl relates to the victim. In general the girls and women who abuse have a psychological disorder such as schizophrenia- drug addiction -addiction to alcohol. If you are afraid that you will abuse- ask yourself do you have fantacies about abusing children? do you have sexual fantacies about children? do you feel uncontrolable urges toward touching children in sexual ways? do you feel anger toward children where you want to overpower them? If you have answered no to these then chances are you have no interest in abusing children. Ask yourself: do you love children? do you feel protective of children? would you want to protect a child against being sexually abused? do you worry about children being abused? do you enjoy laughing with children? playing with children? do you appreciate the innocence in children? Think about all of these things. Think about if you have anger and want to hurt children in any way, or if you are clear that you love children and want them safe. It is only my experience, but I have never worked with a girl who has abused. I have only worked with girls and women who have been abused and would do anything to protect all children. xxdr. p
About flashbacks: Yes it is very possible that when you have sex you will have some flashbacks. It is also very possible that there will be many triggers for you to have flashbacks- For example if you smell a smell that may be a trigger, the way someone touches your shoulder, a film, a song, during sex you may also get a flashback. If this is the case, it is important to change the flashback and heal. This could happen because you could STOP the sex and ask your partner to hug you. You can say "I am having a bad feeling"- please hold me. If you do not feel ready to go into great detail - just ask for a hug. This pertains to all girls with any sexual contact. If the sex is not feeling right, you need to stop it, especially for survivors. Please check out chapter 4 "Finding Your Truth" in "Invisible Girls"- I think it will be helpful. x dr.p
Maybe some other girls can write how they have healed from having flashbacks....
I am still struggling with flashbacks, but what seems to work with me is writing every possible detail of the flashback down on paper then ripping it up and throwing it away. it hurts to right, but it seems to work pretty well.
I also still struggle with flashbacks, particularly at night when I'm trying to sleep for some reason. I agree with Angela, something that is really helpful is to write it down. Though it can sometimes be just plain painful to do, it does truly help.
Something else I've done is try to put a positive spin on a flashback. I try to think about how different things are now than they were then. Like, I tell myself that that will never happen to me again, that I'm so much stronger now, that I have a voie now, and that I was just a little girl then. I remind myself that those are just memories, they will never be a reality.
Thanks gals for your wonderful feedback! I love your ideas. Another idea is to take over a flashback- One of my clients took over the experience of the bathtub where she was abused. She puts on sweet music, and treats herself to wonderful bubble bath and salts- She loves taking baths and she has remapped that experience. I also think it is great as Veronica has said to remember that you are no longer in danger, they are only memories- and the memories will get weaker and weaker, and you will get stronger and stronger. And Agela's way of writing it all down and then ripping it up is also a great idea. ! xx dr. p
I can truly say, I was an invisible girl! I was abused in high school. At the time, I was experiencing a lot of family problems. I was a teen starving for attention. My abuser was a woman. I trusted her, confided in her, & we became friends. She singled me out. She manipulated me, preyed on my vulnerability, & robbed me of my innocence! Now I'm left to wonder, why on earth would she do that to me?
I was wondering if we could talk about basic self-care. For example, because of everything that has happened as a child and more recently, I have been unable to take care of myself as far as gynecological exams go. I know they are so important to my health, but I'm so afraid I will have a flashback or dissociate while it's being done. Do you have any suggestions?
dear anonymous,
I know exactly what you are going through. I was sort of in the same position you were, I knew it was important to my health but I was so terrified of what it would it bring up.
The first time I went to the gyn I decided I would just keep my mouth shut and let her do her thing. That proved to be a really awful idea. Even though I think I was completely dissociated, I was a total basket case when the exam was over, tears and all.
The second time I went, I decided to talk to my doctor about and let her know that I had experienced abuse. I figured it couldn't possibly be any worse than the first time I went. Looking back, I really wish I had told my doctor the first time around. She was very sweet and supportive, and also very professional. Having told her made the exam part a lot easier. Still not a walk in the park I'll admit, but much, much easier. I'd really reccommend it.
Here are some quick things that can be helpful:
- pick a female doctor, it would probably make you more comfortable.
-research your doctor before you make an appointment. there are lots of websites where you can review physicians. see what kind of reviews your doc has. (obviously you have to take each reivew with a gran of salt, but I still find most to be helpful)
- and lastly, as silly as it sounds, wear something comfortable to your appointment. I don't know how or why this is helpful, but it is.
I hope this is/was helpful to you. Your exact comment is one of the biggest reasons I want to go into medicine and be and obstetrician/gynecologist.
Best of Luck!
Love,
Veronica
Okay Veronica, I will try to add to your brilliant advice! My suggestion is that you look for midwifes in your area. In new York City midwifes are able to do everything a GYN does except in cases of high risk. Midwifes are usually 99% women. They spend more time, tend to be very sensitive. You can also see a nurse practicioner for a gyn exam. I agree with everything that Veronica says. Also you can ask if your socks can stay on, as silly as that sounds you may feel less vulnerable. But I would agree not to see a man as a GYN. You can tell your gyn examiner that you have suffered trauma to your body and you are very nervous and frightened- you should ask to talk with them face to face before the exam. Take back some control over the experience, bring a trusted friend. You can ask your trusted friend to wait right outside the examining room- to wait with you in the examining room, until the midwife comes in. xx dr p
I had to go to the GYN recently because it was part of the investigation for court. I was really really scared. I was reassured over and over that the doctor would be good and she already knew very very vaguely about my abuse. She was super nice and understanding. I was thankfully able to get through all the very extensive exams without having a flashback or something. Another thing that had scared me was that there was a possibly of having a STD. I had never thought of it. That scared me very very badly. When I called for my results, well that was just awful! Thankfully, I am all good. I hope everyone gets the same results as I did.
is it bad if we no longer have any type of feelings towards guys? like i dont think that i am all into them as much as i would be if i wasnt abused. its very confusing :(
is it bad if we no longer have any type of feelings towards guys? like i dont think that i am all into them as much as i would be if i wasnt abused. its very confusing :(
is it bad if we no longer have any type of feelings towards guys? like i dont think that i am all into them as much as i would be if i wasnt abused. its very confusing :(
yeah i was thinking the same thing are girls that are raped by men more likely to be gay ?
I feel the same way. I feel like since I was abused I have no interest in dating or guys. It kind of bothers me because I want to have a family and kids someday, but I'm just not interested at all, and I can't seem to make myself be interested.
How old are you gals who are afraid to date? It is fine if you are teens and/or young women. Don't worry that something is wrong with you. You are giving yourself a break and taking control of your bodies and souls. As you heal you will figure out who to trust. Give yourself time. I have worked with many girls who took their time and they thought they would never trust. Many of them are now married and happy with families- with men some, some with women. xx dr. p
i am 21 but i was rape when i was a teen and i have a boyfriend now and he is an amazing person but all i feel when i am around him is fear
The fact that you feel your boyfriend is "an amazing person" tells me that you do feel other things than fear around him. It is normal to feel fear. Take it slow- Hold hands while walking down the street- let him touch you in public, by putting his arm around you. You may start to feel less fear in public - especially if as most girls who were raped - you were isolated when it happened. Your rape does not have to define you, i promise! xdrp
you say that the men whole are most likely to abuse are psychopaths but what if he was just a 19 year old normal guy. he couldnt possibly be. i feel like its my fault and i cant tell anyone because it will ruin his life. but i dont understand why i should care about his because he has ruined my life but i still feel i should. dosent make sense i know.
i get the whole self esteem thing mine is very very low. i look in the mirror and see an ugly fat girl. but i guess every teenager does. its my fault its my fault over and over.
the whole intimacy thing i mean i cant have sex at all! i did for a while after completely disconnecting with reality. but now i just get flashbacks or cry. its pathetic and stupid.
its killing me slowly and i dont think i can handle the mixed feelings of it any longer
My brother abused me and he was an average person as well with a few learning disabilities but still. I finally told a few months ago and I still feel like I ruined my brother's life. But really it isn't my fault or anyone's fault. He made the choice to abuse me. I feel like it is my fault too even though I don't know I shouldn't. I just cannot help it. I have some self esteem issues as well. I get flashbacks and cry all the time too. I guess that's normal. Well I suppose it is for us victims, us survivers. And sex is a ver complicated things. I don't think I can have sex ever again for a long time. I did with a boyfriend but I don't think I can handle it anymore. I am so confused and going crazy with emotions! I think you, sorry, should consider telling. it's not your fault you don;t deserve to be going through this torture. You should tell and maybe get some help. I am currently getting therapy and I definitely think it is helping me quite a bit. And just remember that everything wil be OK and it was NOT your fault. I know you may not truly believe it, I don't truly believe it either. But hopefully one day we both will able to honesty say it was NOT my fault and we can go on to live normal, healthy lives. I hope all abuse victims can. We just need to heal.
I am so glad that even though some of you do still blame yourselves, you DO understand that it is not your fault. Let me say this again SEXUAL ABUSE IS NEVER THE SURVIVORS FAULT!!! Eventually you will all understand this. Also I want to say that it is fine if it takes you a while to find a love partner that you are comfortable with physically. Something to remember is you loose your virginity when you choose to. I beleive that any girl who has been raped or sexually abused is still a virgin until she chooses her lover! xx d.r p
About the GYN appointment...I was terrified to go, but my bf said I had to go because of all the problems I still had that had even gotten worse from the rape...so I wrote a letter to the gyn that detailed what had happened to me, what was wrong, and what problems I thought I was going to have during the appointment. And she was great...very sympathetic and supportive...and told me everything that she was going to do...she also used pediatric instruments, which were a big help. And I wore a skirt, so I didn't have to take that off during the appointment. That helped a lot.
I miss caring.
After all this time, I honestly just don't care anymore.
I feel nothing.
I don't want to talk about it.
I just want it to go away.
It means nothing anymore.
I just heard from my DA. I am prosecuting. I am prosecuting against my brother. When my parents told me the details, I lost it. I should be happy, shouldn't I? My brother is finally getting what he should, isn't he? Why am I not happier? Instead I feel sad, depressed, and responsible.
Dear Anonymous- you say you don't want to talk about it, yet you are talking about it on our blog. And I am guessing you are reading the blog. I think you are probably a very deep and sensitive person and therefore it is a challenge for you not to care.
And Angela, I hope some other gals will blog about when they turned in their brothers or other abusers. All of the emotions sound very normal- I guess happy is a lot to ask, but perhaps you can feel more comeplete- more safe- more protected and more solid. Please find some folks who will support your bravery. xxdr. p
Thanks Dr. Patti. Yeah I guess I will just have to see what will happen. Hopefully I will start to feel better about everything. And yeah I am blessed with some good friends who are there for me. My family is there for me, but for some reason I don't feel like I can really go to them about some of my feelings because my brother is their son and/or brother. I don't know. It just....sucks.
It is true that there is a conflict in families when the abuser is also the child of your parents.... I guess just knowing that they are there for you will have to be enough for now. And do go to your friends! Angela, just from blogging with us here you are dealing in a beautiful, healing way. xx dr. p
Thanks Dr. Patti! That is like my life totally right now. And yeah I do think blogging about all this is definitely helping!
Thanks Dr. Patti! That is like my life totally right now. And yeah I do think blogging about all this is definitely helping!
I am just feeling totally despondent since I admitted to my abuse (myself and a few others). It was always there, always in the back of my mind until there was nothing to distract me from it and it would spring. I just fall into days of misery and I can't figure out how to get out of them. What's weird is that I can talk about it while I'm miserable, like looking at myself from the outside. I'm afraid because my parents have asked me about being depressed, and bitchy, and selfish and all of that but it's not like I can just come out and say well you don't understand, because they'll pry. They'll shake it out of me and then they'll know that I was abused and that will be the end of my life, pretty much. My mom - who really is no judge of medication (long story) - is asking me about taking an antidepressant. Will that help me or hurt me right now? How do you know if that is something safe to take rather than dealing with the pain?
Is there any way to talk about promiscuity and getting past it...the only way I feel like I'm worth anything sometimes is to have sex. It's like that's when I feel the most comfortable and alive...because it's what I've grown up on, that's what I've learned to survive with and now it's almost like a comfort zone. I know it sounds messed up and I feel like I should hate it instead of relying on it.
Yeaaa I know what you mean, Sarah. My parents for a long time while I was in depression often asked me about it. She just didn't understand and it hurt. I was so scared that she'd push me for answers, but she didn't at least, at least not before I told them myself.
And yeaaa sex is confusing. Right after my abuse really came back to haunt me, I threw myself into the sex scene. My boyfriend and me became sexually active and very quickly. We are long broken up now and all I have is regret and disgust. I felt like he was talking advantage of me and in a way he was. I know he was. It is a very long story...ugh. But sex itself really somehow helped me escape my abuse. I felt like it was helping me get over my abuse, but really it wasn't. Though I felt like it comforting AT THE TIME. I wonder if someday I'll have a normal sex life.....I hope.
Yes girls you will have normal, loving , happy sex lives. You are both young teen age girls. You have plenty of time !! I think it is a pretty normal thing to jump into sex, and although you are saying you are mixed about the memory, your sexual relationship with your boyfriend did serve a purpose. It changed the map of your sexual experience. Your memories are not just of the abuse.... give yourselves time girls. Everything you are feeling is normal. I know that Sarah can't tell her family about her abuse, but she can tell us here on the blog, and that helps! xx dr. p
umm...where do I start? I think I'm starting to form a destructive habit. It was a complete accident!! I got nervous at school and didn't want to cry so I dug my nails into my wrist and told myself to shut up..later in my seventh period class I started digging where the nails marks were..more and more, and now I have this big mark on the top of my wrist where I've scratched with my fingernails. At least two or three layers of skin are gone in a one inch space. I've had to lie about where it came from and it freaks me out that it's there. What do I do??
Oh no! That's not good. Though I went through a similar thing. I just liked feeling the pain. I was pinching myself and sticking my nails into my wrist too. It hurt and it was hard to hide. I just kinda stopped. But I think you should try to think about it before you hurt yourself again. I don't know. There are less destructive ways to get your feelings out. For me...it was poetry. I now love writing! but that's just me. Just know that you are not alone and that everything will get better sooner or later!!! xoxo
Oh, trust me, I love to write! I've been writing forever and it really helps sometimes..just not this time?? Which is one the reason I resorted to..that. Anyway, this weekend has been the craziest ever!! UPDATE: I was my church and trying to figure out how I was going to explain my situation to some women there that I trust when I broke down unexpectedly and melted into a puddle on the floor. But they know what happened to me now and are trying to help me with everything. My mom knows, too, which scares me out of my mind, because she acts weird around me and is always checking me for new cuts when I come home from somewhere. I really hate it. As for the cut itself, before I told I had done it five times, reopening and deepening the same spot on my wrist. It's going to take forever to heal, but I won't touch it, even though I still have urges sometimes and can't keep myself from trying to find another place. One of my friends who used to cut gave me some tips on how to relieve the want, like snapping rubber bands and whatnot. It helps a little. Right now I am so emotionally wired. I didn't think I could get any more exhausted, but I am. I'm majorly depressed.
I know what you mean. That's exactly how I felt when I finally told. It was super difficult and I fell into a huge period of depression. It was really hard. I told this past April and my family have told that they have only noticed me getting back to "normal" i guess you could say within the recent weeks. So I am finally just about back to normal, but I still find myself getting pretty depressed sometimes. But don't worry! It'll get better!! And I know what you mean about your mom. My whole family constantly worried about me and checked up on me. I hated it. They didn't like how depressed I was or that I was hurting myself, though I am not entirely sure if they noticed that. I don't really think anyone noticed. I only told my one friend. I guess I hid it very well. But my mom told me that for weeks that she could barely look at me without like labeling me as "abused" and not think about all I went through without her knowing. It hurt knowing that, but I can understand what a shock it was. She just felt soo much pain and guilt. I could tell. Though that did not help me at all cause it made feel worse and guilty even more than I already felt. I felt guilty for the abuse and I felt guilty for all the pain I brought with telling them about the abuse. I still have guilt. I just can't help it. Well Sarah, I hope you can stop having these urges to hurt yourself. Just know that the abuse was NOT your fault and that everything will get better! It just has to! Thinking of you xoxo
I do feel guilty for upsetting people. I told my older sister and she was the one who was crying this time, and I felt terrible. I just wish that it had never happened, or that I could rewind to Sunday and walk away and not told like I had before. At least a few less people would have to deal with this. I'm trying very hard not to hurt myself..I just don't know what to do with any of my emotions..it's like I put my heart up on the table for everyone to see and I feel so exposed. It hurts SO bad because I don't know what anyone is thinking..uggh. I want to throw up.
I know exactly how you feel. This me, like 5 months month ago...EXACTLY! I mean I saw my other brother cry for the first time in my entire life and I mean really really cry. It scared me. I expected both of my parents to cry, but it really scared me. All of their reactions really scared me. I just wished I could read their thoughts or try to explain myself or try to make it seem not so bad. But I couldn't and it was so messed up. I hated it. I thought my life was over. I wanted soo badly to hurt myself. I didn't and I hope you don't either! Though I know what you mean by wanting to throw up. I actually did. For a time before I told anyone I gained weight for once in my life. BUt after I told I lost all that weight and a little more. I am not anorexic or anything at all! it was just total stress! Sometimes I went days without eating more than a banana if that. It's hard. Try not to be too hard on yourself even though your emotions are so screwed up. It'll get better! And it wasn't your fault! Even if you feel like it was, and believe me I still feel like it was my fault even though I know it wasn't. Unfortunately we just can't help how we feel. Well I hope you feel better and really try not to hurt yourself! It can only make things worse, not better! xoxo
Hi Sarah and Angela,
I love how you are reaching out to each other, and believe me there are many girls who are reading this blog. Some of them are shy and have emailed me and told me to thank you both for how honest you are being. Actually thanks to all the wonderful girls who are here and yet struggling, but coping. It is difficult to always hate your brothers. But if you do that is fine! If you feel sorry for him, try not to feel sorry for him too long! Girls who have experienced incest always try to take care of everyone .... They reveal and then they worry about their friends and family. They worry that they will upset those who they have told. You need to realize that when you are an incest survivor, you are taking care of everyone but yourself. You are used to taking care of your abuser- keeping his secret and blaming yourself. Keep talking girls! It is a release, it is a way to know you are getting past, working through what was done to you. You will let it go, I promise! xo dr. p
Thanks, Dr. Patti. :)
I am not anorexic either, but I have eaten very little since I started dealing with all of this. As a result I can only eat in small portions to keep from feeling sick. Like, one piece of pizza or a bowl of cereal is enough to make me nauseous. I am pretty much hungry all the time, but I can't eat. Sometimes I feel like eating more than I can handle and throwing up anyway. But I never have. It's just a thought.
Yes: I am very much terrified because my mom and I have to discuss doctors and therapy and stuff. Just having her know scares me, because she never thought I was mentally healthy anyway, and she thinks that because I'm not healthy that my perceptions on the abuse and self-injury are wrong. But really, anyone who has gone through this would NOT be thinking right because of the trauma. I think she's trying to keep things hushed for herself and whenever I try to vent she says I'm melodramatic and then tries to get me to talk when I shut up. I hate confusing everyone.
Hi Sarah,
First of all keep the throwing up a THOUGHT! It is a great idea for you not to start down that road. I know that you are scared, I know that you are mostly scared and lost about how to relate to your mom. Be very careful when finding a therapist. Make sure you like - connect and feel some trust with the therapist. Find a woman. In the mean time please leave us a blog list of things that you like to do- things that keep you busy. !! xx dr. p
So far I have. I hate throwing up, just a personal preference, so I usually avoid it - I hate carsickness or the like. It's just hard to want to eat and then not be able to because my stomach will explode. I will do my best.
Things I like to do? Umm...
Writing
Reading
Riding horses
Drawing
Anything outdoors
Other random, tasks, I guess. If I think of anymore I can add them.
Thanks Dr. Patti! That means a lot. It really affected me. And you're welcome to all who are reading this! I know this helps me and it took me a long time before I actually commented. And yes I never thought about it before but I guess I do try to take care of everybody! And I have been a lot more recently than ever before. I guess just the reality, the impact of knowing that I was truly abused has made a difference in myself.
And I really do worry (ALOT!) if the people I told if they worry about me, are mad at me, forget what I told them, or if they even know how to act around me. I mean I haven't noticed any differences in my friends really, but I just wonder these things. I can't help it. And yeaa maybe I do try to take care of everybody other than me....at least some of the time. When I have nothing to do, I rely on my friends or something. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost. I feel like I rely on my friends too much sometimes though. That's just a thought that has been passing through my head the last couple of days. I mean I'm not saying that I am not happy when I'm by myself but I am just blah and I don't know what to do with my time. I don't know. Maybe I'm going crazy here and talking about random things haha. but i think the incest has really helped defined who I am. Not the abuse, but the experience and trauma. I am more aware. I can tell. I always try to help everyone. I mean these aren't necessarily bad things, but just things I noticed. I still feel like I should be taking care of my brother too even though he was kicked out of the house. I feel guilty about letting out the "big" secret so I feel like everything else i know about him I should keep to myself or something I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I have to defend him even when I hate him. I don't always hate him, sometimes I love him and miss him. My feelings about him are constantly changing!! I don't know how to feel about him!
Another thing I wanted an opinion about is my feelings toward praying for my brother. My family is Christian and at every dinner we pray. We pray for those who aren't there with us enjoying the meal so we pray for my brother. It bothers me, but I pretend it doesn't. I mean I really feel like it shouldn't bother me. I feel like I should WANT to pray for my brother, but part of me feels like he doesn't deserve it and the other part of me just wants him to get help and leave me alone and get out of my head! I am so conflicted! I don't want my parents to stop praying for him, but it sometimes bugs me that they have to pray for him with me around every night. I mean we ALWAYS have prayed for our family members who aren't with us, it's like a family custom, but now....really? do we have to?? But I really don't want to say anything. I'll feel immensely bad if I ask my parents to stop praying for him while I'm there, so I know I won't say anything. I won't be able to bring myself to it, but sometimes I wish I would. Why can't they just sense that it bothers me? Is it wrong for that to bother me?? I have soo many conflicted feelings going on inside me that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy!!!!!! One second I am happy and having the time of my life, the next minute I'm sad, depressed, and thinking about the abuse. I hate it.
Angela, I totally understand what you mean about praying. I'm Christian, too, and my aunt and uncle played a big role in influencing my faith. It's hard for me to picture the two together now, and even harder for me to pray about it. About him. And I've heard forgive and forget all of the time, but it's not as easy as it sounds.
And as far as depending on friends-I am either practically begging for support from my friends who know or punishing myself for depending on them so much. I have a great desire to be there for people..I'm a listener. But since the beginning of all this processing, I find myself dependent and weak and I feel terrible when people worry or get frustrated with me. I can totally relate.
Thanks! Yeaa I feel really weird about faith sometimes. I am a little better now, well better than I was. My brother left the church years ago, but I still don't like praying for him. My parents are praying for him to rejoin the Church and find God again, but I really don't see that happening. Forgive and forget....how I hate those three words. It is soo hard. I am not ready to forgive though I have made quite a bit progress in therapy. And I don't know how I will EVER be able to forget. I have not seen or spoken to my brother since I told my parents. They kicked him outta the house while I was at school the morning after I told them about Sam. Sam, my brother had been working night shifts at the time and didn't get home till bout I left for school. So I went to school the next day, but it was one of the worst days of my life. Like I wasn't "there." I may have been there physically, but not at all emotionally or anything. It was horrible!! I really don't know how I made it through the day. So anyways I just don't really believe in forgive and forget I mean I guess I do in some circumstances, but I just can't with this. This is by far way to complicated and complex emotionally, legally, and just in every way possible!! And yeaa that's exactly how I feel about my friends. There are times when I really want to talk to them or to my boyfriend, who is like one of my best friends, but I just can't bring myself to start a conversation about it. I just can't seem to bring it up. I feel like I shouldn't burden them with my problems. I mean everybody has problems, so why bring more pain to them. And I HATE pity so I don't like talking about it, but sometimes I really want to, but I just can't. I don't know. Maybe I'm just weird. I don't know. I love my friends, I do, but sometimes I wish they'd ask me more about how I was doing and stuff. But oh well. And I am always there for people too! I love my friends and I would do anything for them! A lot of people come to me for advice or as a shoulder to cry on. I am a listener as well. And maybe that's why I want to go into child psychology and become a therapist. But yeah I know what you mean about feeling dependent and weak. I totally depended on my ex-boyfriend who got me to talk to my brother and my parents. I was soo dependent on him. I was so weak. I wasn't myself. And in return I got taken advantage of. He turned out to be a creep and a liar that just got what he wanted then left me for something better and not so complicated. But anyways all I'm saying is be careful and don't worry! You'll get through this and be yourself soon! Just keep healing! And just being in these blogs is a method of healing, so that's good!Just know that I'm here and everybody in these blogs is here for you! <3
I just want to say to Angela and Sarah how awesome it is that you told your parents. It had to be so hard, but hopefully makes you feel not so alone. I wish I had a relationship with mine that I could tell them about the rape and what my brother used to do...I used to feel like I sucked the life out of my friends, and I know I did, but it wasn't until I was okay and comfortable with myself did that change. I used to be a cutter too...it was a really rough time for me but I haven't cut in 8 years now-and if I can get passed it you definitely can too. I still have some scars but they are almost nonexistent and it's like that part of my life was someone else now. I do things still that aren't so healthy for me, like sleep around sometimes and drink and stuff and I'm working on that-but just recently I realized that life isn't as black and white as I made it out to be...there is a lot of gray. I used to be so hard on myself, set all these rules and expectations for myself and if I screwed up, that was it, I wanted to die and felt like I deserved to...but man, there is freedom in being patient with myself and giving myself room to breath. And I don't think forgetting is the answer or that time heals all wounds...but it sure helps make them bearable.
Oh, Angela, I know exactly what that feels like! It's like you typed out the words I wish I could scream out loud myself: "There are times when I really want to talk to them [or to my boyfriend], who is like one of my best friends, but I just can't bring myself to start a conversation about it. I just can't seem to bring it up. I feel like I shouldn't burden them with my problems. I mean everybody has problems, so why bring more pain to them. And I HATE pity so I don't like talking about it, but sometimes I really want to, but I just can't. I don't know. Maybe I'm just weird. I don't know. I love my friends, I do, but sometimes I wish they'd ask me more about how I was doing and stuff. But oh well." This is like, what I battle in my head every single day. THANK YOU for sharing that with me! I appreciate it more than you know. :)
Anonymous, I personally am very grateful that you decided to write on this blog, and to us. Whatever happened to you, know that it's safe here, even if you don't feel it's safe with your parents. I'm glad that cutting is part of your past. It helps me to know that this sort of problem can be overcome; it really is starting to become a problem for me. I guess I'm very self critical..I hear this from my friends and family. I know how gray feels. Thank you!
You're soo welcome! It took me a while to put that in words, but it came out exactly right for me too. It just makes me crazy sometimes! I'm really glad that what I said helped you really express your feelings. I know exactly how it feels!!
And Anonymous, you're soo welcome I hope we're helping in anyway! I am sorry that you haven't been able to talk to your parents about it. That was such an obstacle for me! And yes, it has make me not feel so alone. I had always been kinda a loner so now that everyone (well who i have told which isn't too many people) knows it's like so much better. They understand my personality better i think maybe idk maybe haha. As far as my friends go, I never told them till more recently like in the last 9 months. Only one person knew but only cause she knew me really well WHILE it was happening, but neither of us thought it was abuse I guess or she just didn't do anything about it. I just always thought it was normal till recently when I "remembered" and the sexual abuse thoughts came back to my mind. I only cut once or twice luckily it just wasn't for me. I pinched myself though. But I never did anything too drastic. I guess I'm lucky there. I'm sooo glad you haven't cut in 8 years! That's awesome! Keep it up! I know what you mean about doing stuff that isn't healthy for you. I've drank before, not too much, but I have. As far as sleeping around, yeaa I used sex as a way of escaping too. I regret it wholeheartedly though. It was with my boyfriend at the time. I no longer am with him thank god. I am now in a much healthier and comfortable relationship now where he respects me. I hope one day everyone has such a relationship. Sleeping around was something that was constantly on my mind after me and my ex broke up. I didn't want sex, but I felt like I needed it if that makes any sense. I am so glad that I didn't and haven't except with my ex and unfortunately my brother. I am no where near being ready for a sexual relationship unless it is with someone I really really trust and have been with for a long time and if I truly love him. But I don't see that happening for quite some time. I know what you mean about black and white. I used to think that way too. I know all about the gray parts too. Now. I too set up a ton of rules and expectations. I still do, but I kinda think that's my personality in a way. I tried too hard to be perfect. I am such a perfectionist. It's just lately I've been better and I now have the bad habit of procrastination, but I am much better now. But I still have lots of work to do of course. I'm working on healing and I'm working on getting through the legal system. I'm waiting to go to court now, but that could be months away still. it sucks. There are times that I too wanted to die. I'm glad I didn't, but there are times where I wanted to die sooo bad. I haven't had those feelings in months thank God though. And I guess you're right. Time does make it more bearable, but it won't heal myself. Only I can heal myself. All we can do is move on, forgive, and live our lives, but I don't think we'll ever truly forget.
Angela!! The end of your comment made me cry! :) You have such an amazing understanding of what needs to happen and how much things can improve. I wish that I could open up enough for that to stick. Right now people keep drilling it but I can't really hold on to it. But there is hope!
I have cut twice more since telling, which may sound backwards. But it's difficult. Even though people know, I still feel like no one understands. Except all of you. I'm trying really hard to wrap my mind around all of this. Thank you Angela, Dr. Patti, everyone.
Actually, it made me cry too. Thanks! I guess I do in a way, have an understanding of what needs to happen and how much things can improve, I just never realized it. Thanks. I wish I could act on it more though. Same here. I know I don't open enough. I still keep a lot of things to myself, even from my therapist. And I really don't like telling my parents how I am feelings because I feel like I am hurting their feelings telling them about the horrible things their son did to their daughter. And yes, there is ALWAYS hope, try to remember that!! And cutting after telling, that seems normal to me. I cut after I told my parents too. Though nobody knows that I cut, not even my friends, not my therapist, just you guys here. So that to me, does not seem backwards at all! I got sooooooo much more depressed after I told my parents and after I disclosed and met with the DA and the police and the Child Protective Services. And this is exactly how I feel: "Even though people know, I still feel like no one understands. Except all of you. I'm trying really hard to wrap my mind around all of this." That is like exactly how I feel right now! Thanks! xoxo
Wow you girls are so amazing!! I love the support and encouragment you give to one another. This is exactly why i started this blog- I know that you all are so wise and can help each other, and I am here too, watching and guiding ... A few things... first of all it is great that anonomous wrote and told you how it has been 8 years since she has cut herself. girls do stop cutting. But in the mean time, I want anyone of you that wants to cut sometimes, to wear a rubberband around your wrist! snap it ten times when you want to cut, you will get the same adreniline rush- you will not need to cut, the urge will go away. please try this! Also I am so sorry for any of you that are dealing with the court system. I know how frustrating that can be. Just try to remember that no matter what happens in court, you know that you are right, and you have told the truth. If you did not tell any authority, that is fine too! Just know that it is all about your healing, not anyone elses, not the people you tell, not the police, and NOT THE ABUSER!!!! Take care of yourselves. Do the things you love to do. Let's make a collective list of things we like to do. I will start:
vacuming, gardening, spending time with my daughter, my friends, working with my clients, reading and writing on this blog, listening to music, walking my doggie, snuggling with my dog, taking walks with my husband, shopping, getting manicures, watching my favorite tv show "Golden Girls" ( it is a really old show about 20 years old!) taking trips, especially to Paris, getting a massage, going to the movies, going out to hear good music, giving scholarships to Girlthrive incest survivors, ordering take out, and watching a movie at home, buying really nice soaps and candles, going to the plant shop.....You can see I can go on and on. I am a pretty happy person - doing the work I love - living in a home i love, and talking with all you girls that I love too! Make your lists!! xxoxoxox dr. p
Yeah the court system is something I am scared of. I want to go to court, but i am very scared. I do not want to see my brother again even though I know he won't do anything. It makes me really anxious and nervous just thinking about it even.
A list of my favorite things to do...hmm.....
write, read, watch movies, snuggle up with my boyfriend, kiss my boyfriend, hug my bf and my friends, hang out with my friends, watch a movie with my mom, go shopping, sleeping, eating, baking, Lord of the Rings marathons (heh), go on the computer, drive, go on on facebook, email, text, talk on the phone, AIM, English class, math, precalculus, girlthrive, dancing in the rain, babysit, manicures, petting my cats, and probably some other stuff. I can be happy, it's just I have to be in the mood to do something fun or be able to do it, or I have to be convinced to do it by friends or someone. Otherwise I can get bored and depressed and not want to do anything even the things that I love.
Alright, my turn! :) I gave this some more thought..
Reading, working on my novel(s), sudoku puzzles, finding new music, kayaking, hiking, riding horses, climbing trees, singing, YOGA, Lord of the Rings anything, painting my nails, getting a haircut, lunch with friends, baking, drawing, swimming, sunbathing, warm blankets straight from the dryer, pretzels, rain on the windowsill, which also brings me to jumping in the puddles, chocolate, a good long phone call with a friend, movies, and.....OH! Duh! accents, of course. Who doesn't love a good British accent now and again? haha. :)
i love my family. i love my dog. i love my best friends. i love casey. i love charlotte. i love falling asleep to my cat purring, curled up in the crook of my legs. i love ellen degeneres. i love australian soaps. i love musicals, especially Wicked. i love carnivals. i love reading. i love swimming. i love AFL. i love my eclectic music collection. i love the word llama, but i think alpacas are cuter. i love collecting quotes that say exactly how i feel. i love aeroplanes. i love the four year old room. i love reading. i love singing. i love changing my hair. i love being spontaneous. i love cupcakes. i love having the internet on my phone. i love reading and listening to people who inspire me to be greater, to be stronger, to be better. i love ensuring that my best friends memory lives on. i love getting facebook notifications. i love ebay. i love the excitement that comes with trying something new. i love vanilla thickshakes and white hot chocolate. i love summer. i love the gym. i love sunday lunches at nanny's. i love family reunions. i love the beach. i love swimming in the freezing water in winter. i love making memories and taking photos. i love chicken, i could eat it every meal, every day, in a different way. i love reality tv. i love looking at the clock and seeing its 11.11. i love going to the movies alone. i love going to a special place and just being. i love the days when i am truly happy. and i love that i love so many things.
These are such great ways to live your life! I am going to make a huge post with everyones brilliant ways to live! xxx dr. p
I have a question that has been gnawing at the back of my mind.
Would it be a better idea to tell my aunt about what my uncle did or not?
I have friends saying that I should talk to her, and sometimes I want to. But other people say to wait and I am fine with that as well, because I never wanted anyone to know in the first place and I don't want her to be hurt by me. I just don't know what to do and I've given up trying to please everyone but this is one question that if left up to me I don't know if I'll be able to answer alone.
Help!!
Sarah hon, I was there I know what you mean about keeping it inside. I kept it a secret for about 8 years. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It is ultimately up to to make the decision, but if you want my advice, I think you should tell your aunt because you are soo close to her. I know you are scared that you will never hear from her again and that she won't want anything to do with you, but if she really loves you and you're as close to her as you say, she should believe, and it will help you heal. You shouldn't keep such things inside, but just remember that you don't have to take this advice, it's your decision. Good luck! xoxox
Angela, dear, thank you. I can't help but laugh because I know I've asked you before!!
I'm still sorting through what I want vs. what I think everyone else wants..it's exhausting.
I guess I'll know when I'm really ready??
sarah, i totally understand your conflict. on one hand you are dying to tell your aunt, yet on the other hand you are terrified. i think the question you need to keep asking yourself is are you ready for your aunt to possibly side with her husband? i know how much you love her, and that may not be worth the risk to you at this point. but i do repeat do not live with them! visit but do not move in with them. i don't care how much you love your aunt, her husband is a sexual abuser! so yes, when you are ready, but you can vent here 100 times if it is helpful to just get rid of some of that anxiety! love xx dr. p
I totally agree with Dr. Patti! And Sarah, yes you will know when you are ready :)
It's getting closer and closer to visiting season!! I'm panicking because Fall is always when I go to see them, and I REALLY want to go, but I'm afraid. And I opened an email from my aunt and she told me how much she missed me and was planning for a TLC trip for me to see her and that she loved me and I almost died right there reading it. The only reason she could still say that to me is because she doesn't know. And when she does know......uggh.
The cutting hasn't stopped either. It's gotten worse and worse, and so has my music taste. Blech.
I'm fighting so hard to stay happy, but now I'm going through some kind of rage period. I just want to cut my uncle's hands off. And break things. And do the opposite of what everyone is telling me or asking me or needing me to do. I want attention, but at the same time I don't.
I'm so confused.
P.S.
In reference to wanting attention..
That is almost what I'm more angry about than everything else. My emotions are just so intense and so destructive to functioning, and I feel IMMATURE and really, really PATHETIC. I'm never like this. I'm so used to being composed, calm, withdrawn, and now I'm breaking plates and yelling over nothing and pushing people away, sometimes in both respects. I could come up with so many reasons for it..emotions, hormones, coping, etc. But regardless I still feel like I'm losing control, and that might be where the cutting comes from mostly right now. I have a therapist and I've seen him a few times, but he's on vacation this week so I'm on my own for a while. It almost makes me more emotional because after I see him I can't shut up. I just keep going and it spills into my normal life. I'm breaking and I can't seal myself back up and it is ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING. I can't even have enough room on this blog to describe it all. There's just so much. I'm so heavy with all that I'm carrying and it just multiplies..and I know for a fact that no one is ever going to be strong enough to help carry even a portion of it. Sigh....sorry.
sarah you have heard the saying 'quiet before the storm'. well there is also a storm before getting some peace. i am really sorry you are so upset these days. i am most upset that you are dealing with it by hurting yourself! please know that all of us on this blog are rooting for you to stop cutting. please please please put the rubber bands on your wrists and snap them! your emotions are normal. okay, here is a bit of tough love for you about your aunt: i deal with this all the time. your aunt is in denial and she is weak. the fact that she suspected her husband of something strange tells you that she "knows" . she is a weak woman and she will not leave him in the end is my guess. so leave it alone until you are ready to not have your aunt look at you as her sweet young neice. this will not make your relationship better. so you are going to have to deal with your feelings and when you are ready to face the consequences of this relationship not going well.... okay then tell her. but for now, as i have said before line up your support- have that in order so when you do , if you do choose to change your relationship with your aunt and your whole family... we will be here too and come on sarah, thanks for telling us you are cutting, so we can tell you to stop! you had such a brilliant list of things to do, i know it is crazy hard to do these things when you feel so overwhelmed, but pleazzzzzz try. love xoxoxo dr. p
Ohh Sarah! I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I really hope you feel better and are not to angry! I just wish you could be happy! I love youu!! We definitely need to have our LOTR marathon sometime soon!!! It is much needed!!! I totally agree with Dr. Patti!! I didn't even think of it that way, but I totally agree. I know how much you love your aunt and I just hope you're happy. I know you'll make the right decision! It's all gonna be OK. There's no need to rush! And I can totally relate to wanting attention....I still seek attention yet I want to be left alone...it's confusing. Hope you feel better and are doing well! Text/call me if you need to!!! xoxoxoox
Look how beautiful you girls are!! It warms my heart so much that you love and support and help each other all the time!You always amaze me! xx dr. p
Whew...it's been forever since I've been on here..I'm sorry guys. The past couple months have been so intense. Luckily I haven't had any cutting issues for a while, like a month or so. But here's the catch. In a week I'm going to leave Ohio and all of my friends and my support and stay with my aunt and uncle for christmas break. And at some point I'm going to have to tell her what happened. I have so many doubts and fears and hurts but I feel like I won't have any sanity until I get it off my chest. I got a send off from my therapist today and he has been a great help. Part of me wants to die..and part of me is fighting to live. I'm really anxious. I guess I'm just afraid of bothering anyone with my problems now. They've lasted so long!! And they'll just keep going if I don't scream out this pain from inside of me. I just needed a way to type it out, see it in front of me..so here I am..
Hi Sarah, So glad you reached out on the Girlthrive Blog. Never worry about writing here, that is what we are here for. Take a list with the things that make you feel happy or just safe and alright. Tell your close support system that you may need to call them - call them before you speak to your aunt so that they can be on call for you. Take your time, make sure you have someone to talk to for support after you tell your aunt. Also I am guessing that your therapist has already said this to you, but I will say it too. Do not expect anything when you tell. You are telling because as you said you want to get this off your chest! So tell because you want to not because you want a proper response. Telling is for you. xxdr. p
Thanks, Dr. Patti! This may be the end of the year but it's the climax of this whole journey..I wish I had a way to express to my support circle how much I love and appreciate them and how much I want to savor their presence before I go it alone..and I know I'm going to need them when the time comes..I won't know when that is until I get there, so we might see who is my true support and who is not. Regardless, I'm just so full of so many emotions. It's not unusual, but now it's just unbearable, more than usual. And it makes me tired. I need to be ready, but I never will be, I don't think. And that's hard..
Sarah, I love youu sooo much! I'll always be here for you! I am soooo proud of you, you have no idea! Your support system will always be here for you!
♥Angela
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