I hear from so many girls that are carrying around so much guilt. They were sexually abused. When the man or guy was pulling down their underpants to have sex, they became frozen... they could not say no. They did not want to have sex, their bodies did not respond- sometimes they cry, sometimes they pull away, sometimes they try to get their bodies out from underneath the guy on top of them, sometimes they go numb,. they just layed there- frozen - they did not ask for sex - but they could not open their mouths to say "no". It is clear that that is still rape. That is still sex abuse. Here is a girl's experience sent on the blog as a response to the last blog about prostitution- I wanted to post it here so that she could get some support from all of you wonderful brilliant girls- I know that many of you have been there too and have come through it. Let's give this gal some support! I know how much it will help her. I am posting it here because it has so much in it. She feels so guilty, she feels bad about herself because now she is free with giving her body over to guys even though she does not want to, she is engaging in drug use to escape- Come on girls - help her out! Please respond to this post. I know how amazing this community is- I also know that whenever we reach out to a girl - then another girl gets help and another and another! Here is her post:
i too never really said no, but i guess it must have been clear when i was pushing him off and crying. I mean i though he was so much cooler and older. i was 14 and he was 19 and it just seemed like a great thing to do at the time. its funny because he was the nicest one out of all of them. maybe that's why i reject any guy who asks me out or likes me. i mean after i was pretty much a slut having one night stands, i just didn't think i deserved to have sex with anyone who liked me. i didn't even like it. i would just lay there and pretend to be somewhere else. Im 17 now and i know i mean drugs are really the only thing that helps me escape reality which is pretty much pathetic but i guess i am that. i just cant help but wonder what if i didn't go out that night you know? and i know you will say its not my fault...but i mean it is. i think. I'm just confused.and this doesn't make any sense ad the most inappropriate place to write this. so i am sorry. i just needed to write it all out .....so sorry again
Thursday, April 9
"But I Never Said NO" .....
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i posted a few posts above yours in the last blog, i feel like your story is my story. only you knew your attacker, i didn't. but i wanted to tell you, your not alone. and we will both make it. im almost sure of it. sending love and care your way.
its a tough battle going through sexual abuse and i am sure tougher when it was someone so close to your age, teen years is the toughest time in a girls life, its a time when we figure out who we are, yet when we are sexually abused it messes us up, and we have to search deeper to find who we really are. you are right! i am going to say that it was not your fault! it took me years to get over the fact that it wasnt my fault, you said no and puched back!!! you faught back!!!but sex is something that our body enjoys and there is nothing we can do about that, so just because you may have liked it doesnt mean that it was your fault. i know lots of girls who was sexually abused then related love with having sex and if that was the only thing that made them feel good then thats what they did.
yes, drugs may take care of the pain for the moment but, i can see your emotions poor out through your words and evedently its not working, drugs will only make the issue harder to work through.
sex is scary, but its worse after sexual abuse, some may feel that if someone finds out that they was sexually abuse no one would want anything to do with them, i am almost 19 and was sexually abused from ages 5-15 and sex is still an issue for me! but if you have someone to talk to about it, it may be good! writing is also a good way to get things out! try livejournal.com it helps or just keep writing on here! Dr. Patti is an amazing woman who gives amazing advice!
just always remember that it was NEVER your fault and when you are ready to deal with the abuse, get a therapist things will get easier and you will be able to see for yourself that life can be normal after sexual abuse! we are Thrivers sista! we work through this together! always and forever!we are ALL here for you! you are not alone! and you are strng and amazing just for sharing this!
sending you lots of love and big hugs!
hi,
writing really does help. write, write, write! (therapy is overrated, sorry dr. patti!)
little sheep
(attention orthodox jewish girls: if you were sexually abused, molested, or raped, come to www.allussheffelech.proboards.com and sign up for support!)
I agree that therapy is over reated. You have to remember that really good therapy is a partnership. It is two people who are trusting each other to be honest and forthright. The person in therapy is doing the hard work-growing, changing, figuring out ways to be strong- That can also happen with talking to friends, writing in a journal and most importantly - living life, and those days when it is so hard, and you are so sad, and you can feel so guilty and shitty, just get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other - and walk, do your life. Writing on the blog is living your life too! So thank you all as always!! xoxo dr. p
Ok so i am the one that posted the first question about "if you did not say "NO" is it still rape?" so yeah we are definitely in the same boat. and about using drugs as a way to live with what happened i understand that to my drug of chose is cutting, but over time i think our scars will fade.
i think you are all so strong to go through this and I am asking my self why do you write so sorry Im so happy that you wrote this you are definetily not alone. I couldn't say no to my father when i was 6 years old and he was a alcoholic and a drugaddict and I blamed my self for 6 years and now im 12 years old.I didn't use drugs for making me feel better I wanted to kill my self once I came so close to it. Just a half an inch f away from me death. I tried to jump of a building . You are not alone
Big hugs and lots of kisses
Wow, you girls really are so amazing! To the girls who are cutting.... I want you to know you will stop. It may take some time, and yes your scars are kind of your battle wounds, but they are also a reminder that you got through the abuse to the other side. One day you will realize that hurting yourself is not the answer. You do not deserve to be hurt. In the mean time I would just like to mention a few things... Cutting gives you a message to your brain that releases some pressure- but the urge may only last a few minutes- you can also squezze an icecube and take a rubber band on your wrist and snap it a few times. Please try some of these alternatives. I know they are just alternatives to the moments you have the urge to cut. Of course I want you to forgive yourselves and move forward and find other ways to release the pressure. Even if it is the middle of the night and you are in bed, you can do sit ups, that too will relieve the pressure and set off the endorphins in the brain that will give you some relief. Very importantly, you are writing in this blog, you are reaching out, communicating, expressing your feelings, others are listening. I certainly hope that you will blog on Girlthrive when ever you want to !! I am always listening, even if it takes me a few days to respond, and I know there are hundreds of girls out there also lisening and respecting you and wishing you all well!! Much love, until next time xoxo dr. p
its nice to see that i'm not the only one who went threw hell....
Well for the girl who is 12 years old and almost jumped off a roof- WE ARE SO GLAD YOU DID NOT JUMP!!!!!! You sound so smart and so together- Please hang in there and know that the sooner girls deal with their abuse just by stating that it happened, they start to get rid of it. You are 12 and already dealing with healing- xoxo dr. p
does anyone know if there is a school or something like CADI thats all year or how to apply to that place and of any group theropys in the nyc area?
thanks
I will be starting a group for teen girl survivors in Downtown Brooklyn at Good Shepherd Services for Families. For more info you can email me directly at drpatti@girlthrive.com xx dr.p
A Poem "pain"
Why does it hurt so much here
I have nothing to learn from this place
Why do i feel everyone's pain
Why do we do this to each other
And why can't they look me in the face
And i feel if i have to take it any longer
Then i will only be an emptily space
I know it is hard to hear and believe that what happened wasn't your fault- I am the same. I can easily see that what happens to other people is not there fault, and would never blame them for what happened, but somehow manage to convince myself that he same doesn't apply for me. But it is the truth hun- it really wasn't your fault! You had every right to go out that night, you had no idea this was going to happen, and there is no way it should have happened. And as to not saying no- sometimes actions speak louder than words. Just because you might not have uttered those two letters "NO", doesn't mean you didn't say no loudly through your actions.
While taking drugs to help you escape reality isn't ideal, it is a coping mechanism. It is your way of doing your best to survive each day. The more you deal with what happened, the less you will need to rely on these unhealthy behaviours, and the more you can replace them with healthy things that make you truely happy.
Hang in there chicky, things will get better xx
I know you say that thing get better but is that always true? I am in a relationship for the first time since the rape and i do not want to tell him what happened because maybe he wont want me any more(and i have never told anyone).
It has been like 5 years since it happened but what if i am with him and i have a flashback or something i don't know what to do it is not getting better at all it is getting worse!
Any advice would be helpful thanks.
someone told me that if someone is raped that they have a higher risk of being raped again.
Why am i more likely to be raped again is it because i am bad now and deserve it?
ok gals, lots of questions here... for the girl asking about if things will get better... yes. girls tell me all the time that with time they feel so much over the abuse and they also say they are amazed at first that they actually can love and bond with their boyfriend/girlfriend. if you are not ready to tell this boyfriend that you were raped, don't. it is up to you. you are telling us here on this blog. do not pressure yourself.
as for the higher risk of rape if you are a rape survivor... if you have dealt with your rape, talked about it, wrote about it, thought about it... you are not at higher risk- if you are an abuse survivor and you have not processed any of your abuse, if you are blaming yourself, if you think it is your fault, if you are more vulnerable, if you are in total denial about your rape... you could be at more risk. YOU WILL NEVER BE AT MORE RISK BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD OR DESERVE IT!!!!! NEVER!!! So process your abuse. I talk so much about this in our book "Invisible Girls".
Dear DR Patti and friends first of all i am not a girl but this is for a really good friend of mine, i wish i knew what to tell her. She was raped by her step father over and over she blams her self for not saying no, she keeps telling me all she had to do was just make a noise,and how this is all her faut. i try to tell her how none of this was her fault,anyways this all started about 2 years ago before i knew her, I am not total sure why the mother is still with this sick bastered, she said her mother didn't believe her and then when she got the police involved she never followed through with the real story, she said she didn't want to hurt her mother, not sure if thats true or if the mother just ignored it. Then i guess she got sick of it, moved out with a guy ,i guess things didn't work out so she moved back home (house where step father lives)she has tummy problems and is currently not working but is trying to find a job. Right now she doesn't have the means to live on her own. she seem like she can't sleep at night due to flash backs fear or it re accruing. I asked her if there was any one else she could live with but she feels like there is no one, i ask what about her grand pa sister etc... nothing . I don't know what to tell her i know she listens to me and i need to make sure i tell her the right stuff i don't want her to give up as she so often states.Her step mother committed suicide and her mother a temped as well. He hasn't raped her since she moved back in just recently. But when she was sick he pretended to care and offered her a hot water bottle and then proceeded to touch her inappropriately, he has also exposed him self to her . PLease help me before its to late. I keep telling her things will get better and she has her whole life ahead of her, but how can it when you live in the same house as your past/ present abuser??? Please Help me if you need more info please let me know :(
i never though my comment would be read let alone have many answers and responses. Thank you so much dr. Patti and all of you girls! i know i will still think it is my fault because thats the way i am, but to have all of you listen and respond makes me feel so much better. Since my post i have cut down on alot of the drugs, although in a holiday break he tried again, which sent me backwards. i guess there is still hope i can move away soon so i dont see his face at a party or around me town ever again, and just forget. although he still appears in my dreams which make it even harder too forget. i wish it never happened you know? i envy all other girls at my school who joke around about rape and just ..i dont know it annoys me. i put on a happy face at school but struggle so much inside. will it ever get better.... i feel stupid for still caring. and thinking back onto all the one night stands i had after it just dosent seem normal....just weird. i am still very confused as im sure you can all tell.
anyway thank you so much for all your feedback! everyone on her seems so lovely! i appreciate everything! i will have to check this blog more often!
Hi, well this is as much of a comment, it's more of me just adding on to the original like title. I was sexually abused my brother, well it was incest. I recently told my parents and my brother was kicked out of the house. It's hard. I love him. I hate him. More so, it's that i hate what he did to me. I feel as though he may have listened if I said NO. I'm pretty sure I never did though. I trusted him, I loved him. He was my big brother and I had always looked up to him. I was always even closer to him than my other brother. Now I am closer to my other brother, but I still miss my abuser of a brother. I don't what I am gonna do when court time comes up. I just feel like I could have said NO so much sooner. He moved out at one point to join the USAF and that's when all the abuse stopped. When he came home 2 years later he asked me if I would have sex with him again, and I was able to say NO. Why is that? Why did he listen then, not before? Why was I strong enough 2 years later and not earlier? It's so confusing. I hate it. I hate that this happened to me. I have had thoughts about hurting myself. I have tried to cut a couple times, but I never really hurt myself to the point where there are scars and blood, and they don't hurt too much. I just can't bring myself to do it. IDK, I just hate all this. I am sixteen now. My brother, the abuser is twenty-three. All the incest started to happen when I was 7 and it ended when I was 12. And I just started to deal with all this now. Up until a couple months ago, I had always ignored it, tried to forget it, but I just couldn't anymore. I hate this. As bad as it sounds, I'm glad I'm not the only this happened to. It makes me feel a little better knowing that I am not the only one. Though I would never EVER wish this upon anyone else!
~Ang
I have tears in my eyes reading your entry Ang (thats impressive because I NEVER cry!) All I can say is I relate so much to your story. I am glad you are dealing with it now, I left it until I was 19 to acknowledge the abuse from my brother and 20 to start getting help, in which time I managed to develop severe depressions, self harming and anorexia (and multiple hospital admissions due to eating disorder complications)- not a fun life. Hang in there chicky, things can get better. And try and avoid the self harming behaviour, it really isn't something you want to get into, and there are so many better ways to cope!
xx Megan
Thanks, it is good to know that I am not the only one. Megan, do you still love your brother? Or do you hate him? I don't know what to feel. Some days I hate him, other days I love him and miss him. I hate how well me and my brother got along after all this happened. I just ignored it and didn't think of the abuse for years. I miss that but I also do not want him to come back. At all. I think when my reoccurring thoughts and memories about all the incest came back when I got a boyfriend and my brother called me a slut and a whore. He sleeps around all the time, I know. He used to tell me all about it. He figured that I was the same way. He once told me that he had figured I had already slept with like half the guys in my school by now. And I was like NO WAY and hell no. I am not like that. But my brother continued to call me a slut and a whore and a skank. I hated it and I would tell him to stop, but he wouln't. He used to do the laundry in our house as part of his "rent" and once he brought my clothes up for me and he came in right as I was putting a robe on so I could take my shower. I yelled at him to get out and for not knocking. He was like oh I've seen better. I was so furious! I've even asked him why he had sex with me. His answers were: "cause we aren't blood related" (I was adopted as was he and my other brother) and "I was doing you a favor. All girls start young, some even at the age of 9." (He started having sex with me when I was 7). I hated him for that. I hate for it still. It isn't right. He has also told me that he wouldn't sleep with me again (not cause I'm not willing, but...) cause I am dirty and not innocent anymore and he has already had me.
I hate him but at the same time I can't help but miss him being home and part of the family.
I HATE THIS!
♥Ang♥
Dear Angela,
There is nothing wrong with you for both loving him and hating him, he´s your brother. I´ve heard so many women talking about theyr quilt for both loving and hating theyr abuser specialy when he is related, a father, brother, grandfather ect. It´s perfectly normal because you grew up with him, despite for all the bad memories you also have good memories about him.
And please please do not put yourself down for not saying no. YOU WHERE 7 YEARS OLD! Saying no to someone who overpowers you at the age of 7 is not a responsability anyone would lay on you or any other CHILD! Would you say to your little 7 year old sister(if you had a sister)" my god you are so stupid for not saying no!!"
And know this dear Angela, you are on your way to recovery. BE STRONG AND LOVE YOURSELF!!
Thanks. That is very true and I guess I never thought about it that way.
It all depends on the day whether I love him or I hate him. He will always be my brother, and I cannot change that. I guess when I think of him, I'll try to remember the good times, not the bad. I don't know. I'm just gonna try to keep moving forward.
~Angela
This message is for Troy about her friend- First of all if you send me a private email, I will send you my book and you can give it to your friend. That is part of what Girlthrive Inc. does. I am able to donate "Invisible Girls" all over the world to the girls who need it. Secondly the fact that she has a true friend like you will really help her. She may not be able to move out physically yet, but she can "move out" emotionally by staying as busy as possible and as far away from the abuser as she can. Girlthrive also gives stipends to incest survivors for college and creative endevors. So please email me and see how I can help more specifically. And thank you so much for caring for your friend and reaching out through our blog. xx dr.p
Angela- Um I'm not really sure. I deffiantly don't love him, but then I'm not entirely sure that I hate him either. Being around him drives me crazy, and I hate being near him, but then at the same time I almost feel sorry for him. A lot of the time tho, I think I just don't really feel anything, almost like I numb him out- Maybe it's just easier to deal with it that way, because feeling would be too painful and hard. But I fully understand how you could both love and hate your brother at the same time!
Yeah. I mean I think I love him, but maybe I don't know. I know I hate him, but I miss him. It's hard. I hate this. And I really know what you mean about feeling numb. That's how I feel. Especially lately....I have been feeling really numb. But numb to like everything! Like I cannot cry, I cannot feel bad, I am not totally happy. I hate it and I don't know what to do about it. I don't like it, I know that. I miss my old self, but now I guess I realize I haven't been my real self for many years....I don't know. I just wish this whole ordeal could be over and forgotten.
Most of the time our worst enemy is ourselves. Would u beat up ur good friend? NO! So why do you beat up urself? If ur good friend was raped, would you tell her it was her fault? NO! So why do u blame urself? The moral of the passage is "Why are u so hard on urself?" Don't be!! All healing begins with forgiving ourselves. IT'S NOT UR FAULT!!! It NEVER has been & it NEVER will be!!!
Bravo Anonymous! YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!All healing does begin with letting it out and then yes forgiving yourselves!! Something was done to you, you did not do anything wrong- you could not stop something that trapped you. Done, over, never again! You girls in the end are more aware than other girls who did not have to endure what you have gone through. You are all stronger and more amazing than any one else. Look what you have endured and come through! Look how strong you all are. xxx dr. p
When I was 17 I was dating a boy in my class and I was over at his house and he got me a drink and next thing I remembered I woke up in his bedroom and I hurt really bad I had been a virgin but no more he raped me he must of put something in my drink, I made the mistake of not telling anybody I just bottled it inside of me and got over it. A few years later I was I was interested in a guy and he called and said he was nearby my apartment and said he wanted to stop by and say hi, so I said ok. We went back to my room because it was the only room with a/c and we were watching TV and next thing he turned the lights off and pulled my pants off. I didn't want to have sex but I couldn't say no I just froze and in 2 minutes it was over I got up got dressed and told him to get the f*** out of here. Why did I freeze and why did he do that to me. Now I finally met the greatest guy in the world and we are engaged and I told him about the incidents in my past and it really hurt my fiancé a lot. He doesn't understand why I couldn't say no and I don't really no either I have always thought it was my fought that time because I didn't say no. was it my fought and what should I say to my fiancé to make him feelbetter
Well how old are you both? Are you both 20? You sound young. You both need to realize that sex abuse is sex abuse. You clearly did not want to have sex and he probably put something in your drink and you were raped. The boy you are involved with needs to know that you are a good person, that you felt so shamed that you bottled this up inside of you. This boyfriend needs to be totally sensitive to you, and not make you feel bad about what happened. It is not your job to make him feel better, it is his job to make you feel better that you had a painful abusive rape. xx dr. p
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