Tuesday, March 22

FAMILY REJECTION:::

I keep hearing more and more from girls all over the world about how their families reject them after they disclose their abuse. I have to say it is one of the sickest parts of incest. How a mother can reject her daughter and choose the abuser makes me want to lock those mothers up and throw away the key!  Your thoughts..... xxx dr. p

16 comments:

*Natural Queen* said...

I have experienced this Dr. Patti. To this day, my mother's side of the family cringes and considers me a "drama queen" for sharing my story. I have been told to leave the past in the past and "forgive" and "let go". I have been told that if I am a Christian, I should be healed and not bringing the abuse up anymore. What my family does not realize is that I don't talk about sexual abuse to put them down or gain sympathy, but rather to use my experiences and successes to help other women and girls. I am looking at the bigger picture--the world; they are looking at a smaller picture--one household. Another issue I have with all of this is that my abuser is still FREE. He should be in jail. He should not have contact with children, nor my family. However, he does. So, while there are still pedophiles roaming around, survivors need to "roam" and warn others. I care NOT how they feel about what I do, but I do care about what God feels. I feel that He put what was once a heavy weight on me to be a voice and light for those who are still carrying weights. Great blog topic!

Sabelle said...

Hi Dr. P! Ironic you bring up this topic...as this weekend I am supposed to create an art project on "what would happen if I told my mom." It is actually gut wrenching to think about. I am most scared because I dont want to hurt my mom nor do I want to break the family dynamics or make her not love my abuser. However, a small piece of me is also scared that she will reject the truth. It scares me to think of what I would do to myself if I was rejected by her.

Anonymous said...

So when my abuse came out, my whole life changed. I never saw my mom's family after that. Which, was a big deal, I'd grown up with my cousins and had always been around my grandparents, aunts and uncles. I was 6-7 when this happened.
In my 6-7 year old mind, I stopped seeing my family because they were mad at me over what happened, and they didn't think I anything had happened. They saw my brother (my abuser) as the victim. I spent all of my teeneage years and up until this point (I'm now early 20's) thinking that that part of my family totally and compltely invalidated my abuse.
In the last 2 weeks I've figured out that that's not what happened at all. My family didn't react and try to console me and protect me because my mother didn't tell them what he did to me. She did not tell them. And, she let me think that it was my fault that we were not in contact with them. She let me think it was something I did and that they were upset with me.
All of these years I've thought they didn't care about me at all, but really it was her. She didn't tell them.
I talked to one of my aunts today and she totally validated me and said she was so sorry, but she never knew. My mom never told anyone and then she disappeared.
I'm so mad that my mom let me understand my family's absence as blame for the abuse I went through.
She didn't want to deal with telling her family what was going on, so she pulled and let me think it was my fault.
I'm so grateful for my Aunt's understanding and willingness to listen to me and openness to what I have to say. It is truly an answer to my prayers, and I think every abused girl dreams of hearing the things my aunt is saying to me.
My mom is much bigger part of the pain of my abuse than I realized.

Dr Patti said...

I know .... it is so difficult for girls to deal with the fact that their mother's will not stand up for them, and then the apple does not fall far from the tree... the family members don't reach out either - !! chosen family is the way to go. But girls i am so sorry that your families do not realize what gifts they have in you all. They do not deserve your energies! xxx dr. p

Sarah said...

my dad actually walked in one time while my brother was raping me. And he beat me for it. This was almost worse than what was happening. It still happened after that, my brother just locked the door. And I knew no one could save me.

Dr Patti said...

Oh Sarah, I hope you are out of that home and that situation! How old are you now? Are you away from the abusers in your family? Have you chosen people to be your chosen family? xxx dr. p

Sarah said...

I am! I was put in foster care and moved out on my own when I was 17. I still see my dad sometimes but my brother moved far away so I only have to see him about once a year...I'm still really close with my little sisters, because I know they went through some of the same stuff and that's the part that really kills me...I still feel guilty about not being able to protect them.
I have some really great friends and I just got engaged to the best guy in the world! I never thought it was possible to be in a healthy relationship after everything I went through. The love I grew up with was twisted and sick, and wasn't love at all. But now that I know what real love is, it's incredible. I am truly grateful.

Rachelle Leigh said...

I recently told my family and my cousin and her parents don't want to see me again. They thought I was jealous of my cousin for going to live with my grandfather (my abuser for the last two years) or that I was making it all up for attention. My family was small to start and now it's even smaller. This was my first year in highschool and everything was complicated enough. This just made it worse.
**Remember it's never our fault.**

Dr Patti said...

Well Rachelle Leigh you are fantastic! You are so young - just starting highschool and you have told! so great- I know more girls will blog here and share that their experiences are the same. Families are slow to support the healthy strong family member who tells and by telling keeps herself safe. Your cousin is not safe living with your grandfather. you are safe even if you are not getting support, you do not have to be with your grandfather. trust me, you will be healed so much sooner than if you waited to tell. keep blogging please- and join the membership xx dr. p

Cayleigh said...

This is interesting that you posted this. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse for three years by two of my brothers. My biological parents have been divorced since I was a baby. Well, the abuse happened at my biological father's and step mother's house every other weekend. I never opened up to anyone about what happened until I was 22. I held it in for 12 years. When I finally opened up, I told my biological father and step mother first and at first, they seemed like they did believe me and were going to support me. A few months ago, they blamed me for letting it happen for so long. They told me that I should have told someone. The thing is, they were always drunk and didnt realize what was happening. I made my peace with them but it only lasted a few months. Just the other week, I got a voicemail and an email from them saying that it was my fault that I was raped for three years and that I deserved it. I am in the process of healing and this doesnt help at all.

WindingRoadBook said...

I am saddened that any mother would reject their daughter after they summoned up the courage to disclose that they had been abused. It must have been horribly painful for them just to find the words, and then to be rejected had to make them feel like they were not worth caring for. My daughter was abused by her brother and when came and told me I knew that I had to protect her. She needed to know that I would not sit by and allow this to continue. My son or not, this was unacceptable. Through the legal battles and the therapy I was there for her every step of the way. I removed every picture of him off the walls and anything else that would remind her of her brother was taken out of the house. If couldn't look at him without seeing a rapist, how could I expect her to. Yes, I took alot of crap from some people in the family for removing my son from the family, but I know that I can look my daughter in the eyes and tell her that I was willing to sacrifice to keep her safe.

WindingRoadBook said...

After my daughter was abused, I proudly stood up for her but it was at a very big expense. I have since been labeled as a bad mother by the family because I removed her brother from our lives. They only see him as the victim because his mother rejected him. They forget that I tried to forgive him, but was forced to take action after he abused her again. The family doesn't want to hear how he had confessed to the police about having other victims as well. Everyone looks at my daughter and assumes that she doesn't know the difference because she has disabilities. They value her less as a person and want to feel sorry for the one who had abused her because he has more intellect. While it hurts, I simply surround my daughter and I with people who support us. Life is too short to be dwelling on things that we cannot change. I only hope that one day the family will realize that what I did was courageous, and that my daughter is the one who has suffered more because of their narrow minds.

Anonymous said...

I was repeatedly abused for years by my maternal uncle, my mom knew about it but never stopped him from visiting us or touching me. She treated me like dirt after every one of his visits. I am married now, but my I am angry he is enjoying a very comfortable peaceful life while I am struggling every day with my self esteem, not to mention the thought that my mother actually allowed all this to happen. I hate my mother.. I did not deserve to be abused. She was supposed to protect me

Dr Patti said...

Yes Anonymous you are so right, you do not deserve this and your mother is soposto always protect you! As you have read in "Invisible Girls" I don't think you need to get over the anger toward the person or people who abused you- many girls tell me that keeping that anger where it belongs keeps it away from everyone else that could randomly have your anger projected to them. Stay strong, choose your family, choose a family that will stand by you. That is what you deserve.

Anonymous said...

I have gone through the same when it happened with my uncle he is in jail but now I am going through the abuse with my dad and I can't report it I still love him and I know he loves me too.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous that breaks my heart. I know where you're coming from because my Uncle did that to me and my sister and neither my father or mother did anything to protect us. My father also then physically abused me for the rest of my childhood...But now I'm with the most amazing man in the world. He loves me and I love him, unconditionally, in a way that feels amazing. I never knew this kind of love was possible, especially for someone like me.
But you sound like a strong young woman and I really hope that you find the strength and the courage to tell an adult you trust. Yes, your father may love you, but love is not supposed to hurt. This kind of love is sick-and it's not what you deserve!! You are worthy of love that feels good to you. Please write again if you need anything.

About "Invisible Girls"

United States
"Invisible Girls" tells the truth about sexual abuse as no other book has! Rather than me telling you how the book is touching girls around the world, I will tell you what they are saying! Now in 2009 we have our new and revised edition of "Invisible Girls" - we have added 100 pages, a chapter about prostituion as sex abuse, a chapter filled with emails recieved over the past 5 years- Please check out our 2nd edition! xo dr. p "Invisible Girls has saved my life. I was afraid that I was the only girl keeping these secrets, and when I read "Invisible Girls" I starting telling about my abuse, and suddenly I knew I could be alright"- Sue 18 years old "Invisible Girls" is short of a miracle- I read it whenever I feel alone. It helps me to deal and grow and go on."- Tamar 17 years old "Until I read "Invisible Girls" I was afraid to tell what happened to me. Now my mum is supportive and I know I can heal" Britney 14 years old