Not sure if you are all aware that there was a court ruling this week that rapists will not face the death penalty. This ruling is basically for men who rape children. At first I was upset, but very quickly I began to think about the survivors. It would be a terrible responsibility for a child to know they were responsible for someones death. I also believe that it would make it much harder in incest cases in particular. What child really wants to be responsible for their father, or uncle dying? Also who knows if the child would always be blamed by other family members. So I concluded that it makes sense for the survivor not to have the death penalty for the rapist. It is hard enough for so many survivors when their abuser is convicted and locked up. Often she/he is blamed for the abuser being locked up, and that is bad enough, can you imagine being responsible for the death of a father?..... Your thoughts........ xo dr. p
Friday, June 27
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About "Invisible Girls"
- Dr Patti
- United States
- "Invisible Girls" tells the truth about sexual abuse as no other book has! Rather than me telling you how the book is touching girls around the world, I will tell you what they are saying! Now in 2009 we have our new and revised edition of "Invisible Girls" - we have added 100 pages, a chapter about prostituion as sex abuse, a chapter filled with emails recieved over the past 5 years- Please check out our 2nd edition! xo dr. p "Invisible Girls has saved my life. I was afraid that I was the only girl keeping these secrets, and when I read "Invisible Girls" I starting telling about my abuse, and suddenly I knew I could be alright"- Sue 18 years old "Invisible Girls" is short of a miracle- I read it whenever I feel alone. It helps me to deal and grow and go on."- Tamar 17 years old "Until I read "Invisible Girls" I was afraid to tell what happened to me. Now my mum is supportive and I know I can heal" Britney 14 years old
19 comments:
I agree with your take on the issue. I also fee that if it were to be passed that rapists get death then more cases would go "unreported" because of the victim knowing what the outcome will be. Though there was a time in my life I would have wanted the verdict to be different as I never did get justice (case was dismissed because I was no longer in the home and he got off scotch free) but as time had gone by it got me thinking would I have told if I knew my prepertaor would have gotten death?
Anywho I do agree with you.
I agree with you for the sake of the victims guilty feelings
I also have to agree. With the way people make the victim feel so guilty, it would be hard to face. Also, I mean, sometimes I wish my abuser to be dead, but other times I don't. I don't think I could live with the fact that I had him killed. That would be hard.
I also think it would give perps more of an incentive to kill their victims. If they knew the victim may speak up and they had the chance of dying, they might kill the victim in order to make sure they were silent.
It really sucks, but thats the way the world works.
Wow, it is so amazing to hear from survivors directly about this. You have brought out such interesting points! I never even thought about the obvious...of course if abusers knew they could be killed they would be more apt to kill their victim!! I wish the media had intelligent communication about these things! But you ladies, are brilliant and so great to post! xo dr. p
I agree with what everyone said in this post. Despite the fact that I am a survivor I am still very afraid of the world. Lately here, I've been reading so many articles about women being raped and beaten severely, so if abusers knew, there would be no chance to survive.
I would never want to be responsible for someone dying. All the pressure i would be faced with would be impossible to live with.
I think it's good that abusers don't automatically have death penalties. I would be haunted for my whole life, if I knew I was responsible.
I would have lie to hear that my brothers were in jail. I was rape for year and they got a slap on wrist.
Hard to say on this...especially when the abuser is your son against your daughter. I don't think survivors could ever convince themselves that it was THE RAPIST'S CRIME that got them the death penalty, not the fact that the victim reported them. But I can see why victims would not want their rapists to get the death penalty--that would be throwing salt in the wound for some because they told.
Just a quick request Dr. Patti. When you reference an article like this, can you please provide a link to it so that we can read it directly? That would be extremely helpful. Thanks!
Well, I do think it is a good idea to reference an article. But this was just my train of thought in response to the news.
You ask a very important question when you ask about leaving a son in foster care when he has molested your daughter. I do not feel that a father and brother are the same. There is probably something going on in the household where the daughter does not feel safe in telling her mother- I actually know of cases where the brother is in foster care. But I always refer folks to the Safer Society in Vermont. They publish the best books on child abusers- Also they know about the treatment centers for abusers. There are other organizations helping young abusers.
i don't know where this would fit in but I felt I had to put it in I have a blog that I read and as I know this person for she was once my foster parnet I like to keep up with her life.
anyways she wrote in her blog that the place she is at is currently getting a bad rep as a housemother from there facility is going to proson and may face up to 30 years there because she had an affair with one of the boys there and she is now pregnat with is child.
I found this sad and disturbing because the child was placed there for obvouse reasons of his home being unfit and for the purpose of stopping the cycle and her she is making things worse when will it stop. it is most likely that the child she is carrying will also be in foster care and for no reasons that he/she can control.
when will the violence end?!?!?!
Wow dr.patti I never looked at it that way! You see my grandfather was never convicted and I use to wish he was locked up forever! He caused me to have sleeping problems from the nightmares I would have of him, and my mother became an alcoholic. I think things like that happen for a reason but i still think of how much better I would feel if he had gone away!
I agree that rapists should not be put to death, but not for the reasons some have said. I believe that as human beings we have potential of doing anything. Maybe I am just crazy, but I have had moments where I felt like that I was capable of some pretty bad things. Some times people can get really mentally ill. Been there done that. Its just that we are all human beings and each of us deserves to be forgiven for everything. Its a pretty hard thing to grab a hold of because forgiving is hard most of us know a different version of it. You say you are sorry and then then the person says I forgive you then you move on. Forgiving someone isn't a one time thing, you have to work on it everyday to work past it. Forgiving takes time, patience, understanding, and work. Not something that you just say and forget about until you get into anotherarguement and bring it up again. Forgiving means you don't hold it against that person, ever. Forgiving is hard and confusing and may even takes years. But its a skill worth strengthing. YOu can't really move on from a tramua unless you forgive it all and work past it, you never move past it, you have to work, or life is a, well, a drag. Not everyone knows how to truly forgive. We harbor bad feelings about various things for all our lifes. Which is why we should forgive. Everyone is capable of everything. I don't belive in the death penalty at all. Who are we to say someone should deserve to die. I mean people who do things wrong should take responsibility for what they have done and accept the consequences. And learn from what they have done. But everyone deserves a second chance at life at the very least, which is why haveing parole is a good thing. No one really deserves to die. And these are my opinions, so if you have really read this to the end, thank you. But think for yourselfs, this way of thinking works for me, but it may not work for you, so decide for youselfs. Thanks!
I also think that its a good thing that they decided against the death peanilty for rapists! (we don't have the dealth peanilty here so I guess its not really that close to home for me but I still have an opinion) Sure at times many of us wish our abusers were dead, but to live with knowing that you were responsible for their death (even though it was their actions and choices that caused it) would be way too hard. It would lead to taking on guilt that doesn't belong to you- just like the guilt of the abuse itself. Not sure if that even makes sense, but just my thoughts! I'm also no sure i agree with the 'having to forgive to heal' idea. Personally I don't think its important to forgive your abuser at all- they don't have any right for forgivness in my opinion. I think dealing with the abuse is the important part of healing, rather than forgivness. however I know that the healing process is different for everyone, and for some people this may include forgivness! I just don't think that it is necessary for everyone!
I also think that its a good thing that they decided against the death peanilty for rapists! (we don't have the dealth peanilty here so I guess its not really that close to home for me but I still have an opinion) Sure at times many of us wish our abusers were dead, but to live with knowing that you were responsible for their death (even though it was their actions and choices that caused it) would be way too hard. It would lead to taking on guilt that doesn't belong to you- just like the guilt of the abuse itself. Not sure if that even makes sense, but just my thoughts! I'm also no sure i agree with the 'having to forgive to heal' idea. Personally I don't think its important to forgive your abuser at all- they don't have any right for forgivness in my opinion. I think dealing with the abuse is the important part of healing, rather than forgivness. however I know that the healing process is different for everyone, and for some people this may include forgivness! I just don't think that it is necessary for everyone!
the court ruling was a crime within itself,but you make some very good points. My daughter was sexually assaulted when she was 3. She supressed the assualt for ten years. Her middle school informed me she had been cutting. They had a school pshy. talk to her. At that point she revealed that her step-father had sexually assaulted her. The school informed the police who then in turn told me that since the crime had happened so long ago,there was nothing we could do. The abuser and I seperated 9 months after we were married,I never saw him again,except on TV, he is a caddie for a pro golfer.After 5 years of therapy,I learned he did much more than assault her. I have never told a soul. I know a lot people would ask why I didn't file charges.#1 Allison would have killed herself. I coudn't take the chance of her having to be in the same room with him,or some lawyer tring to discredit her.To this day she struggles with PTS.
Its a good question. I think he should have gotten death although. Its not fair to the little girl. What if she grew up knowing that the man who has done this is still out there? What if she wakes up every night screaming that he is coming back? There is no comforting that other than knowing that he is gone forever. And also what if she grew up also an angry disturbed teenager? feeling how nothing happened to him other than jail? what if she feels that there was no justice at all? So i feel the court is sadly numb with this. I think every single person caught of this needs the maximum sentence.
The man who sexually assaulted my daughter is in jail for four more years. He threatened my daughter before she told about the abuse when she was in first grade. She is fearful of him coming after her when he gets out of jail. I just keep hoping he will die in jail. He is old and in poor health. I have thought about selling our house and moving to another town before he is released. My daughter and I have both had two years of therapy and the devastation from the abuse still affects us four years later.
My daughter was abused at age 3, she suppressed the trauma for 10yrs. After her papa died she started having flashbacks. Eventually, everything came back to her, she was in therapy for 5yrs. All I could do at that time was to concentrate on keeping her from killing herself.She was a cutter for 3yrs.Now she is a freshman in college,but he stole her whole childhood from her,and got away with it. Local Law Enforcment told me that there wasn't any thing I could do because too many yrs had passed between the abuse and the onset of her symptoms. He is now a sucessful caddie for Pro Golfers.
I feel so much for you moms and your girls. This is so complicated, because I am guessing that the moms would like to see the abusers dead. i know i would as a mom, but then i would have to think about my daughter and how she would take it. The survivors on this blog have swayed me to believe that the death penalty would not be good for the survivors - I want the moms to know that girls and teens are so resilient and you moms who have posted are supportive to your daughters. This means your daughters will heal far more than you ever will as parents. Please try to find some comfort in knowing that.....xx dr.p
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